Sometimes I wonder why parents are surprised when parenting is hard. The things I hear from other parents about what they found surprisingly challenging, well, surprise me. Haven’t they been around kids before? Doesn’t everybody know? Of course children are hard. Amazing but difficult. Because they aren’t adults. Wait, who am I kidding, adults are hard too. Hold up: people and relationships are hard. Children have an important job to do too, they help make their parents, parents. It’s a shaping, refining, molding. That of which is never easy. So why do the challenges of parenting take people by surprise? Maybe they didn’t babysit or have a community with children around them when they were teens and young adults. Maybe they did and those parents they saw were just ah-mazing. Then I realized it may be because the parents that came before them didn’t want to sound like wimps or complainers or like they were struggling to handle being a parent. That would be unacceptable. Or worse, we’d sound like those parents that… uh… constantly bitch “complain” about how hard their life is with their children to the point that one might wonder why they had children.
Let me go ahead and be a wimp, a complainer, and admit that yeah, sometimes I struggle to handle being a parent: parenting is hard. I’m tired often, bewildered even more often, and hoping I’m not screwing my children up too bad pretty much every. single. day.
And that I can pay for therapy.
I have found that having a baby will lead to lots of physical, emotional, and mental pain for the rest of your life. You will be more tired for a longer period of time than you ever imagined. There will be times, lots of times… lots and lots and lots of times… SOOOOOOOOOO many times… when you’re not sure what to do and won’t be sure that what you are doing is the right thing when you do decide what to do. (Phew.) Your opinions and views on many issues WILL change. There will be blood: yours, theirs, and probably someone else’s. Snot, vomit, shit, and piss too.
You will think your child is broken. That you broke them. That they are the only ones that don’t sleep.
Or poops like that.
That can’t stand daddy.
Or grandma.
The only baby that cries that much.
Eats like that.
Wants to be held all the time.
The only kid that lies.
Throws temper tantrums.
Won’t pick up their mess.
Says shocking things.
But you didn’t and they’re not.
Some parents do break their children. They burn them with cigarettes on purpose. Intentionally harm them to feel powerful. Belittle and shame them until the child withers. Exerts control or ignores them. Uses their child’s little body, spirit, mind, and heart to satisfy their whims.
Some people do break their children. They aren’t the ones worried about it.
Parenting is hard.
You’ll probably want to run away sometimes.
Sometimes that will be daily.
Your issues, ones you’ve pushed down, thought you worked through, or never knew existed, will rise to the surface. Surrounded by others, you’ll feel alone and then when you’re alone, you’ll feel at once found and lost.
There will be judgment.
From yourself which will be harsher than you can imagine and keep you up at night even when the kid is sleeping.
From others which will probably be quiet but will seem so loud.
From your partner which will feel like betrayal and you’ll forget this isn’t a contest.
From your parents which may awaken an old ache.
From friends which may “make” you feel something and you’ll forget you are in charge of your feelings.
But none of that judgment will stun you, knock the wind out of you, and have the sting that the judgment of your own child will.
Condescending judgment from a place of superiority may not be new to you. Felt it and dealt it, you’re likely familiar with it to at least some extent. It hurt in the past but maybe it made you stronger too. You’ve probably faced being called a loser or maybe an overachiever, insensitive or oversensitive, stupid or nerdy, a fat pig or a string bean, and a host of other creative and less-than-creative put-downs.
And if you’re a woman you can probably add bitch, whore, and slut to the list.
And if you’re a man, your very masculinity has most likely been challenged and someone took back your “man card.”
You may have believed those judgments before or maybe you let them roll off your back. Sometimes the judgment crossed over into bullying. It hurt, it may have even caused you to question your existence.
Things are different when you’re a parent, judging isn’t just about you now, it’s about you, your child, and how you’re screwing them up.
We’re all screwing them up.
So the stakes are higher. It’s not just your life you’re questioning.
But none of that judgment will cripple you, undo you, and fill you with grief like the judgment of your own child will. And they will. As a small child. Then older. As a young adult. When they have children.
Then you will question yourself again. Or not. But hopefully you will.
We are learning from our children.
Because children shape us at least as much as we shape them. Maybe even more.
Together you will survive and if you can be open and honest with yourself, your partner, your children, and your community, you will even thrive.
Parenting is hard.
I won’t lie to you.
The fatigue. The guiding and directing of a growing human being. The choices and decisions. Filtering out the voices and opinions. Balancing schedules. Balancing needs and wants in the family. Work. Not losing yourself. Finding community. Education. The meals and the housework. Letting go of perfection and embracing the imperfect. Dealing with temper tantrums. Dealing with other people. It’s hard.
People and relationships are hard.
All good things are.
~Jessica
P.S. Because I know some will read this post and only this post and think that in this snapshot of a few hundred words you know all there is to know about me, let me share that I’m not a bitter or angry or jaded parent. Being a mother is the most important thing I’ve ever done and I truly love it. But I will always be honest. I wish more parents would be. No man or woman is an island. No family should be either. We need each other and parenting isn’t a solo sport. Community is critical to health and balance but community will never flourish if we don’t admit our struggles. If we can’t be vulnerable. There’s only so much you can know from what people share and to an extent you’ll never really know until you live it. Still, honesty can save lives and minds. The beautiful part of parenting is easy and fun to share and I’m not about to stop being open about that but the hard stuff is just as important. Maybe even more so. With embracing the struggles we can more deeply enjoy the beauty the struggle is for.
I can’t even express how much I loved this post. So beautifully put. I am in a 12 step program, and it is just incredible the feeling you get when people bare their souls honestly in a room together like that. Thanks for sharing honestly what parenthood is like. Because it IS hard. But it is also worth it.
Thank you Mandy and good for you being in a 12 step program. Working on yourself and dealing with your issues WILL make you a better parent for your children. ~Jessica
Your words resounded achingly in the chambers of my troubled heart. Thank you for being so vulnerable and reminding me that I am not the only one with self doubt as a parent :-)! Although I have to tell you that as your children are the reflection of your achievements as a parent, you are doing pretty well overall! 🙂
Delphine, your words encourage me as well. You are such a dear friend and often we put such brave faces forward to the world we see without showing the inner turmoil. But it’s there. Your children are a reflection of your achievements as a parent as well, I love your kids and think they are fantastic. You’re doing pretty well overall too! Those moments of doubt just help make us keep trying to be better. ~Jessica
I’m coming from a place of pain at the moment, and read much more of you, Jessica, than just this, just to say before I start. How do you know? really, how do you know it’s fair to inflict yourself on another person, a child? Is it fair for a child to have to have me as their mother? And when it’s not, it’s too late…
And I want a child, very much, and even many abused children claim love for their mothers so even the words of the children can’t really be taken as truth.
So, of course it’s hard, but is it right? I guess it’s right for some, and we all do our best, but what if my best just isn’t good enough?
Not surprisingly I am waiting to have a child until I don’t feel or think like this, which may be forever. I’m not really asking for a response, but really, how do you look at your child and not think that they would probably be SO much better with someone else, someone better?
Sarah, I know I’m not Jessica, and maybe she has a better response for you. More wisdom and insight than I, perhaps, but I’ve also asked some of those same questions.
For me, there are days where I do believe that I am just not good enough. I do look at my children and wonder if it wouldn’t be better for them if they had a better mother than I, sometimes. So I don’t think that there comes a point where that worry ever completely goes away for good. It’s natural, I think.
I find reassurance from family and friends. From my husband. I don’t keep the worries and the struggles bottled inside. Anymore, that is, because I did for a long time after my first was born. I find reassurance from my knowledge that the fact I do worry, the fact that my worry pushes me to be better, means that though I will never be the “perfect” mother, I will never stop trying to be a better mother than I was yesterday. I find reassurance from my faith, because I’m not good enough, but I know that my God is and He will help me (and I know that this is personal for me, but it is a huge comfort and so I felt I needed to include it for total honesty’s sake).
I hope this is some comfort to you. You’re not the only one who worries about being good enough.
I don’t think I could say it better than the other Sarah did but I’ll share some thoughts. Mostly the sort that ramble, not really an answer.
Probably because I don’t think there’s an “answer.”
I have never, ever heard of someone that abused their child in an ongoing fashion and worried about it. There have been those that were abusive in a moment, at their wits end and lost control but then they were racked with guilt and put the effort into learning how to do better. And then they did. That’s not the same thing.
All of us, every single parent out there will hurt their children in some way. Just like we will hurt our parents, partners, friends, coworkers… that’s the deal with people. The key is what we do with it. Do we learn and grow? Do we change? Do we ask for and seek out help? Or do we insist we were right and did no wrong? Depending on what we do with how we’ve been hurt and how we hurt others is what makes the difference. I have screwed up too many times as a mom and as a partner. I hate that. But I have learned and I’m constantly growing and I believe, doing better.
Not sure about inflicting yourself on a child? Ultimately only you can decide about that. Just the fact that you are concerned about it shows me that you are open to learning and growing. That you care. Really, that’s all that is required, to care. When you care, everything else is possible to build a foundation for healthy parenting. You have to ask yourself what you’re really afraid of. Is it that you’ll damage a child beyond repair? Or that you’ll be a failure? We’re all broken people, all messed up. Giving our children the tools to pursue health is the key. Though many abused children don’t have such tools, many do go on to find some level of health and I include myself in that. When we first had children I told Jeremy I couldn’t do discipline because I didn’t have a healthy perspective of what that meant. Owning that has opened us both up to exploring better ways for our family. So I’m grateful, to an extent, because my abuse pushed me to search for something different which in turn led to healthier growth for me. I am growing with my children and they have made me a better person. ~Jessica
I needed this…sooo tired today. So exasperated by and crazy in love with my two right now…especially the three year old who is super independent and thinks it is fine to just get up and go when he wants…who told us “I’m not ok with that” when we wouldn’t walk to Starbucks for a cake pop and apple juice after he had a cookie….I love that you share enough to know that you are wearied and overjoyed by your children. It helps me believe I might not be failing as much as I feel I am.
Oh 3, that’s such a fantastically hard age! Some of my favorite moments with my children were when they were 3. Some of the most difficult ones too. Hand in hand. You’re not failing, you’re living and life isn’t easy. Treasure those moments that are great and look for the the great in the ones that aren’t (and look at how well he expressed himself in knowing what he wanted! Even if it wasn’t good for him, lol!) while being honest about these challenges. And humor, humor can help so much. Hang in there! ~Jessica
This is wonderful. I really didn’t enjoy the first 4 months of my sons life. He was fussy. He cried. A lot. I had PPD. I had night sweats. Every person who asked me ‘isn’t be a mom so wonderful?’ I’d feel horrible saying ‘no, it sucks and I want to give him back.’ But I knew it would get better. And it did. And it’s still hard (more so because I’m a single parent) but my son is the best thing in my life and its amazing. We just can’t downplay the difficulty, frustration, and challenge. But also the amazing wonder.
The amazing wonder wouldn’t actually seem so amazing without the challenging struggle. We need both. ~Jessica
Thank you so much. For your honesty, for your witty writing style, for always showing the good with the bad. I admire that so much. Its just so refreshing to see that I’m not the only one that struggles. So, thank you 🙂
You are welcome. More of us need to open up about that reality, it will make the struggle less simple because we won’t struggle over the struggle! ~Jessica
Thank you so much for this refreshingly honest and vulnerable post. This was exactly what I needed to hear today.
Thank you for your post and thank you to all the others who commented. I waited my whole life to be a mommy. I watched my girl friends have their first and then their second and even third. My husband and I didn’t think it would ever happen and then we were blessed with our little girl…. And it is amazing and fun and all kisses and hugs but the majority of the time it is messy and tantrums and biting and I lay in bed every night wondering if I was to strict or not strict enough and praying I don’t repeat my parents issues. It would make since that all parents worry about messing their children up but know one ever admits it. It’s reassuring to know that even moms of two or four kids have the same fear as this first time mommy thank you.
You’re not alone and even all those that never admit this struggle are experiencing it. People and relationships are messy! A glorious beautiful mess. ~Jessica