In parenting, failure is not an option.
It’s a reality.
“Shitshitshitshitshit” and “oh God, please” were the two thoughts that filled my head while I raced to the car. I don’t run often – certainly not often enough. But when I do, I am still capable of outrunning my kids, something I keep expecting to change as they get older and more and more athletic. One second I’m enjoying a leisurely Saturday afternoon lunch with my wife and 14 yr old daughter, EarthBaby, and the next, the spell is broken when Jessica innocently asks “you think SugarBaby has been sleeping this whole time?” A confused look on my face, and then, world-shattering dread sweeps over me as I realize that I…
Can I admit this here? Can I willfully place myself in front of the firing squad? The same squad where I have myself stood, but behind the rifle of spite that I have used to obliterate countless people with imaginary bullets? These people, these parents, deserved it. They didn’t care. They looked away for a second. They weren’t watching. They were distracted. They forgot. Yeah, right. Who does that? What kind of human being does that? Oh, they’re sorry. Well, of course they’re sorry. Now they have a mess on their hands, don’t they? F*cking idiots. They should never have been allowed to have kids. And so on and so forth. I killed them all in my mind. I stuffed THEM in a car to slowly bake to death. I took their other children away. Irresponsible scum.
I was lucky. The weather was cool and the sky was a mix of clouds and sun. It was only 20 minutes, tops. I knew that SugarBaby wasn’t dead. While I raced to the car, my biggest fear was that my baby had been crying non-stop for 20 minutes, and that someone had noticed. I was afraid that SugarBaby would never trust me again; that the cops would be there, waiting to give me a piece of their mind, or just cuff me and shove me into the back of their car. But I was lucky. I got to the car, and in a moment of dim hope, cupped my hands on the window to see in through the dark tinting, to find that my baby girl was sound asleep and had no idea that, for 20 impossible minutes, she was forgotten, abandoned. No cops. No one to know my failure. No one but my wife, who saw by the look on my face that everything was fine; who simply walked up to me and hugged me; who offered to drive; who so desperately wanted to save me from my shame and bitter anger.
For anyone who thinks that I would never do anything like… – that – well… I wouldn’t. But I did. And I deserve your judgment; your condemnation – no judge, no jury, just a firing squad. Or to be locked in an oven.
I’m one of them. The neglectful parents. I was just lucky. And this has changed me. To all the parents that have lost a child because they looked away, had a quick grocery stop on the way to work, forgot to close the sliding glass doors, left the water running in the tub, and any number of other unnatural moments of inattention, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry I judged you so harshly, like I was any different, like you didn’t care about your child. People can be so horrible. I can be so horrible. But I’m no different. I see that now. I would be devastated if a moment’s distraction cost me my child’s life. My spirit would be crushed. It would take an impossible amount of willpower to get out of bed; to be left alone with my children again. I can’t imagine that on top of dealing with my own grief and feelings of worthlessness, I would have to face the wrath and judgment of every parent who would “never do that.”
I like order and knowing what to expect. I like having a plan. Some people are really good at playing everything by ear. Not me. I’ve gotten better, and I guess I’m pretty good at being flexible now, but when the unexpected hits and I have to alter my plan, I’m disoriented and my sense of the world seems off. That Saturday afternoon, I was supposed to meet Jessica and EarthBaby at the Houston Ballet to give them a ride home after EarthBaby’s audition for a summer intensive somewhere far from home. I was ok leaving our other kids at home in front of the TV for that short time, but preferred to take SugarBaby, not quite 9 months old, with me, because she had been tired and cranky and really needed a nap. The plan had been to drop her off with the other kids at home with a sitter but since she had fallen asleep in the van on the way, I decided to keep her and let her sleep. I was still a little uncomfortable with the situation, but knew I wouldn’t be long. And then I get to our meeting point but find that on the way, Jessica texted me that they ordered lunch and where to find them.
“Ok, new plan, I think to myself, I find them and they eat on the way home.” Jessica meets me on the street and informs me that I should park the car, because they hadn’t gotten their food yet. Now I’m distracted. I need to park. We’re staying. We’re eating here? There’s a spot. I park. I lock the car. I find Jessica and EarthBaby sitting outside, waiting for their food. And then we all enjoy the cool weather with the food they ordered. 20 minutes.
I was lucky. And it occurs to me now that moments of neglect, of distraction, are very common, and completely normal. As a parent, it’s not that you never fail. It can’t be. THAT is a recipe for failure. Because failure is a reality. Maybe it’s time we all cut ourselves and each other a little slack. This isn’t permission to be a neglectful, inattentive parent. Not so. It’s simply recognizing that perfect isn’t real. Imperfect is. That instead of rushing to judgment and self-flagellation, we recognize the need for compassion, forgiveness, and second chances, and pray to God that we never, EVER, have to face anything more than simple disappointment for our moments of failure.
Before I had my son I felt entirely justified judging parents who had failed in one small way or another. In the nearly two years since his birth I have become far more humble and forgiving of others. I realize any judgement I would pass on them can’t compare to what they’re struggling with on their own. It’s hard. And it’s easy to blink and miss something that could be small or could be catastrophic. I’m glad everyone is okay.
Yes, she is beautiful and we are all so thankful that she is still just fine. Thank you for sharing, Jeremy. I know it has already been helpful to many. I can remember so well how ashamed and embarrassed I was when I made mistakes raising you kids. So afraid to admit to anyone for fear of judgement. Keep writing, my son.
You have raised a good honest man. It takes alot of courage to share a story like this, i give him tons of respect, as well as to you, he was raised by one great mother.
Thank you for sharing!
Me too, Emma. And it sounds like we’ve gone through the same kind of change (growth?). From judgment to compassion. I’m impressed that you got there after having just one child! It seems to me that most first-time parents believe they know everything about parenting and don’t understand how others find it to be so hard. I certainly did! : )
~ Jeremy
I accidentally locked my keys in the car, whilst running with her strapped in her seat, my cell also safely locked inside. My husband was 40 minutes away but a neighbor let me use her phone to call him. By the time I was prepared to break a window, she was sleeping (had planned the road trip around nap time) and she was still sleeping soundly when he pulled in the drive. She was a bit sweaty but thankfully cool morning air was still surrounding us, and I’m glad that I didn’t break a window ad scare her.
Lesson fully learned on my part, and like you, i’m glad I and my child escaped it unharmed.
For women, ALWAYS put your purse in the back seat with your baby/child. That way when you get out of the car and go to grab your purse (something we ladies rarely forget!), you will have to go in the back of the car to get it.
I always place something important that I will need to go for in the back because we all hear the summer Horror stories and I would rather not be part of a tragedy.
Before having kids I was completely unaware of the huge amount of mental and physical energy that a child requires. I am still amazed at how much I manage to forget or overlook and I only have one child. I can’t imagine what happens when you add more kids to the mix. I also was judgmental of these situations when I didn’t know better. But now, when I hear about tragedy happening like this I just feel heartache for everyone involved. We don’t need to set up a firing squad for those parents because they are already there. How does a parent ever overcome something like that?
How incredibly brave of you to share this here. And important. Thank you.
I’m so glad SugarBaby is ok, and I hope that in time you will be, too.
Even thought I had chills the entire time I was reading, I thank you for your honesty!! Not many people would openly admit something like this, but it’s something that happens more often then we think!
I have been in this position before…thinking I would NEVER do something so silly. One time when my first was 4 months old I put his carseat in the back seat of my car…but didn’t strap it down. I turned a corner sharply and unbenownst to me his entire carseat fell onto the floorboard..upside down. He was literally hanging upside down on the floor of the backseat and I didn’t notice for I have no idea how long…5 minutes maybe? The feeling when you look into the rearview mirror and don’t see your child’s carseat in the car is unimaginable. So, I totally understand.
I did that to my cousin when i was 11. My mom hit the brakes and his seat flew off the chair, at least he was buckled in the seat. I felt so bad. The closest call with my own kids, my mother in law accidentally unbuckled my daughter’s seat, i noticed when the seat started slipping.
I have done this before regrettably. I was in a hurry and forgot my husban had taken the base out. So naturally I was used to putting my son in his carseat ten placing it in the vase that was already strapped down. So in put him in the car and went about my drive. Had to swerve and turn hard and when I got to where I was headed I went to get him out and he was in the opposite floor hanging surprisingly sound asleep. I thought I was perfect but that small mistake gave me a reality check!
I have also done something like this. I had a three year old and a one year old at the time. I put their car seats in the same row so that they could “talk” to each other whenever we were out driving. I was taking the one year old to the grocery store with me when I took a corner and heard THUMP and then his cry. I had to squash my panic because it seemed to take an eternity to go half a block to a street where I could pull over (I was on a very busy street) and I found him not totally upside down, but his seat had fallen off of the bench (main belt had been undone by the toddler at some point) and he had landed with his head squashed into the sliding door. That feeling of terror, not knowing if he was alright until I righted the seat, that feeling of failure, thinking HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN??, that feeling of dread thinking I was the worst parent in the world… I think we’ve all had a moment. And it is heart shattering. Thankfully he was fine, but I find myself pulling every belt I can find anytime we’re getting ready to take off. Thank you to all of you for sharing; there’s something in knowing that we’re not alone in our imperfections, and hearing what others do to make things safer for the children helps me to realize I don’t have to put my boys in bubbles to keep them safe.
I completely understand this. I have thought the same thing, that I would never forget my baby in the car, how could those parents do such a thing?
But i am also a person who gets thrown by changes in the routine. The only way I remember everything is when I do everything in the same order each day. Without that I forget all kinds of impt things and the baby could be one of them! I thank God my baby is almost 2 now and would put up a fuss if I started to leave her accidentally!
However I did make a mistake once. I put her in her carseat, drove across the street for another errand, parked. Then looked back and realized I FORGOT TO STRAP HER IN. How does that happen? I’d done it every day of her life for 18 months! I think it was that mid way through strapping her she asked for her sippy and I handed it to her, then moved to the front seat without finishing. I thank God I only drove across the street and she did not fall out and we didn’t get in an accident. I have tried to be extra careful since then. Now she is 21 months and I am still the only Mommy who trails my kid on the playground, gets on the playsets with her, never sits on the bench to let her play alone. I am sure people are calling me a helicopter parent but I am so determined not to lose her from something like a fall from a playset. I protect her as much as it’s within my power to do so but I can’t protect her from everything.
I too have a 2 year old and when she was 14 months old I forgot to buckle her in her car seat. I handed her her sippy and her teddy and during doing that I guess I thought I already straped her in but when I got where I was going I noticed her buckle wasn’t done up. I’m so happy and grateful that I didn’t get into a wreck. Now to this day I double check her buckle to make sure.
Thank you for such an honest and heartfelt post. I, too, have found myself on both sides of the firing line. I left my son for *just a second* and he rolled off the changing table. Thank goodness he was fine, but it made me come to the same conclusions as you. I shouldn’t judge other parents for mistakes I can easily make myself, especially when I’ve made those mistakes.
When my 2nd daughter (drama princess #2) was approximately 2 months old I was changing her on the changing table when my oldest (drama princess #1) got into what I’ve dubbed in my home “drama” and let out a scream and then a laugh. I was confused and horrified and hoping to join in on the laughter ratherr than make a 911 call so I knew I had to check up on her. I buckled my youngest into the changing pad and went to walk to the beginning of the room by the door quickly enough to steal a peek and check on drama princess #1 😉 It took about – I don’t know, maybe 10 seconds..15 would be pushing it..I check – phewwww all was well and as soon as I turn around I see drama princess #2 hanging by her leg dangling off the changing table (THANKGOD for that buckle the changing pad came with) I don’t think I’ve ever eaten my heart before that moment. It absolutely smacked me upside my head, , shook me and grounded me. As everyone says – it takes one second. It really does. But we live and learn and thankfully my unintentional neglect didn’t harm or scar my children – some people aren’t so lucky…some don’t care. Point is – drama happens 🙂 don’t beat yourself up – it wasn’t meant for you to. Consider it like a little nudge from God when you’re sleeping in a college class lesson.
We have friends whose child died due to this. Horrible accident and was because there were many nontypical events that happened that day/week. They are wonderful parents and were deeply affected emotionally by this. There is a wonderful organization they work with now to prevent these accidents (and other vehicular related child deaths) from happening, http://www.kidsandcars.org. There are several things they suggest such as putting your purse (or some other thing you won’t leave the car without) in the back seat next to the car seat. Also keeping a stuffed animal in the carseat when its not in use and putting it in the front seat when it is in use. This is a great nonprofit organization that I’m sure would love it if you could get their name out if you so desire. I’m not associate with them and only know about it through my friend’s horrible accident.
This is SO true. I haven’t left a child in the car, but I accidentally left my 6wk old unstrapped in his car seat. I had him in the carseat/stroller and had taken him out to change a diaper. I placed him back in the carseat and didn’t strap him in because we were on a walk. It was a chilly day so I had a blanket over his body…. after the walk I just plopped the carseat back in the car and we drove home. I was HORRIFIED when I went to take him out of the carseat and realized I had never re strapped him in. Now I ALWAYS double check!
Anna P I did this too once with my oldest. I didn’t stop crying when I realized it. If I had been in a car accident, I would have never forgiven myself. I triple check now. and I always make sure they are tied in the car seat, even when he’s not going in the car.
We have so much on our mind and so many hormones going through us when we have a new baby. Luckily no one was hurt.
Anna P- my husband has done this once with each of our kids. Both times, I was the one to discover it when he came home and I went to get the baby out of the seat, and both times it was because it was winter, and he covered them with a blanket. He felt HORRIBLE both times, and I made it worse by yelling at him. And then I almost did it, and realized how easy it was to make that mistake! My 4 year old was yelling about something, and we were running late, and I got halfway down the driveway before my daughter yelled, “You didn’t strap the baby in!!” I got lucky, because she was there, and I will never attack my husband for moments of inattention again. Now I do a car seat check before I start the car.
This is one of my nightmares. We are all human, we are all fallible. I don’t judge you, but I do want to hug you!
Thank you for being brave enought to share your story with us. I, too, am one of those people who harshly judged parents who left their kid(s) in the car and they ended up on the news. Unfortunately the only picture the media paints is a negative one. You never hear it from the Mom or Dad’s perspective, just the facts about what happened. It’s so easy to get distracted and forget things as a parent, and somtimes it feels like you don’t have it all together some days. Anyway- I’m glad your baby is fine and that no harm was done!
This reminds me of when I almost left my baby at Meijer. She was in a separate car since she was still in a bucket seat and I always put it in the large part of the cart. My older son was pushing the cart. I went through check out and walked away thinking he was pushing it still when a man was yelled for me to come back. I was so embarrassed and ashamed at what happened! My two girls are now always in the same cart and my son holds on.
I was also on that side until I did the same thing. I put the baby in the truck and rushed my daughter up to dance class because we were running late. I jumped out and rushed her in and was standing at the desk for about 10 minutes before I realized that I’d left the baby in the truck. It was also a cool day, so lucky me, but he WAS crying. 🙁 I don’t know for how long, but long enough to be red faced and really mad. My poor boy. I felt like a horrible horrible parent and still do. I’m definitely more attentive now.
My heart ached for you while I read this. I’m so glad that everyone is okay.
After 3 children and thinking we were done, my husband and I had a sweet surprise when our youngest was 7. She is actually known at our house as “Sugarbaby”!! Anyway, she was 6weeks old,still in the pumpkin seat and we had a book fair at the school for the older kids. My husband dropped me off, ran a quick errand, and came back. As we were looking at books in the library, he walked in and started chatting with other parents. A few minutes went by and I noticed him there, but no pumpkin seat. I said, ” Where’s Ava?” His response–” OH CRAP!!!” and he took off running. Luckily, it was evening and cool, the van was locked, she was totally zonked and had no idea she had been unattended, and we live in a VERY small town with a very small school so he was actually parked just outside the building. Doesn’t change the fact that he got distracted by the goings on of all of us and FORGOT THE BABY IN THE CAR. She is and was fine and so is he. We just have to be more diligent and try to slow down a little. So….Piano Man, you are not alone, and you are still a great parent!
My son is 6 months old, and before he came along my family used to joke about my seemingly nonexistant maternal skills. My dog was the only thing I was happy taking care of. Quite frankly, I was always awkward around kids; I wanted them to pretend I wasn’t there and stop asking me constant questions. And I was ‘that girl’ glaring at the mother of the crying baby on the airplane, or turn to the couple behind me with the five year old touching my hair and ask them to please put a stop to it in a not-so-kind voice (actually, I’m probably still that way about the touching..sorry, I can only change so much :)) Truth be told, I hadn’t changed a single diaper in my 25 years until I timidly changed my son for the first time..whew! But its funny, my WHOLE perception changed after I myself became a mother. I now find myself getting angry when there’s no changing table in a public restroom, and don’t think twice about doing EVERYTHING one-handed with a little sidekick attached to me. And that one moment that basically made me panic (in front of my mom, which both comforted and embarrassed me at the same time!) was when my squirmy man in his infant tub kicked the hot water faucet in the sink on full blast, causing him to cry out in terror when the water touched his perfect skin. The ordeal literally lasted two seconds, but it was enough to have me saying “Please forgive me, Mommy Gods, you know I got this! I didn’t mean it!” But, to my and everyone else’s delight, I know being a mom is what I was meant to do. I can’t lie, when it comes to taking care of my son, I’m a badass 🙂 Caring for him (and still my dog) brings me a joy and inner peace that I feel thankful to experience, even if we hit some bumps along the road.
Brilliant realisation Jeremy. So good that you have written about your process of enlightenment in such an open, honest, humble way. Many parents will be helped by reading this piece of yours. The truth is that most of us do a good enough job of parenting most of the time AND we are all imperfect. I really like your seat checking routine. That’s such an excellent idea. Thanks again for writing about your experience. warmly, Carolyn
Everyone has been there in their own small way. Most of us are very lucky that they are mistakes that are small enough that something terrible doesn’t come out of them. For the unlucky ones, some compassion could go a long way. I think in general we should all have a little more compassion for our fellow parents and human beings in general. We are all going to make mistakes it’s part of being human, how we come out of those mistakes – how we change and evolve is the beauty of being human.
Your wife is as much to blame as you are because she knew you had the baby with you (as if you could leave the baby at home) and she knows the dangers of leaving children in the car so stop with all the guilt and dont ever let her use this against you.
Actually, I did not know he had her with him. Last we had discussed he was dropping her off at home with a care-giver. He changed his mind because when he dropped the other girls off at the house she was asleep and he didn’t want to transfer her. I am more than aware of my potential for making such a dangerous mistake and have made plenty of my own but no, I did not know she was there. I assumed she was asleep at home. I would never in a million years use any guilt against him, how dare you suggest such a thing. Did you even read the post? My response was to love and support him with forgiveness. ~Jessica
Rest assured, Jessica, us non-trolls got no such idea from this post – the idea that you’d somehow guilt your partner about a terrifying incident for all of you – but, instead, we got a very important reminder that we are all human, that we are all fallible, and that we owe it to ourselves and our children to build in failsafes for the times when we can’t afford our human mistakes. A powerful reminder about judgment, too, which is always, always needed.
Neeb Dellort – been trolled. Some people don’t have better things to do all day. Get a life. I mean, efil a teg.
Who ARE you?!!!
Neeb, did you even read the post? His wife, Jessica, didn’t place any guilt on him. This could happen to any of us and flinging guilt trips doesn’t help. Anyways, maybe she thought that their oldest daughter was watching the baby or that He had arranged for another caregiver.
How sick to troll on such a sensitive subject! Whoever you are, “Neeb Dellort”, you are disgusting!
I too did something horrible like this. My son was fine but someone called the police, I was berated and sworn at (by the person who called the police) and DCF was called. 7 minutes he was in the car alone. I had just found out I was pregnant again, my father was having mental issues, I needed to get my older son something to eat. I went in the grocery store and my younger boy, who never sleeps in the car, was left sleeping. I couldnt bring myself to go to the store for months. I was so ashamed, so embarassed and so afraid I would do it again. This post made me cry because it brought back all of the emotions and guilt that I felt that day. This is so important, please always check the back seats, It could be a matter of life and death. Thank you for posting this.
Melissa, ((HUGS)). I’m glad your little one was okay. I hope that the fear and shame fades away and you find peace.
Melissa, that is terrible. I’m so sorry people treated you like that. I understand wanting to blame someone at first, but most people are making a MISTAKE when they leave a kid in the car. We need to remember that. It’s not malicious, it’s a MISTAKE. Once, at our local grocery store, I was browsing the huge selection of canned soups, when my 12 month old stood up in the cart and fell out. I had my back to him and saw him fall just as I was turning around, and I couldn’t catch him in time. It was awful. There was one other woman in the aisle with me, and I was holding my son while he was crying and the woman looked visibly upset, but not at all angry with me. She said, “He’s crying – that’s a good sign.” Whether that had any truth to it, I could tell she was just trying to comfort me, because I’m standing there crying, holding my hurt baby, and it was ALL MY FAULT! I silently thank that woman for not chastising me. If she had judged me, I don’t know what I would have done. I did end up avoiding the grocery store for a few months, just like you did, Melissa. Every time I thought about needing to go I would feel sick to my stomach. 🙁
My son fell out of a shopping cart too but as a toddler. Scared the crap out of me! It only took a second. Luckily he happened to do this perfect summersault & land on his butt/back area not his head! I’m so glad yours turned out ok too even though it is scary and humiliating-none of us are perfect!
I fully believe that the “I would never do that!” attitude comes from a self-preservation reaction. We tell ourselves that because we ALL understand how small things like this can end so badly and that that would be devastating. We have to tell ourselves that because facing the possibility of losing our children is beyond difficult and I think it is one of those things we feel would be impossible to recover from. So, we tell ourselves it would never happen, because then we don’t have to face the fear.
Just last week, my mil and I had a time where each of us thought the other was watching my 2 yr old, and she wandered off to look for her sister. She was only missing for a few minutes and was found safe, but it shook me. It was too close a call for comfort. It can happen to any of us. But that is a hard reality to face.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think we all need reminding! I’m so glad this had a happy ending.
A powerful piece. True Story!!
I’ve worried about something causing me to momentarily get distracted and the chance for that to lead to an accident, the kind you don’t ever recover from. You chose exactly the right word to describe how I would feel – devastated. May others learn from your experience. Far to often we don’t ever want to admit that this could happen to us, mainly because the idea that you could allow a distraction to cost you a child is just too awful to think about. It’s easier to think it could NEVER happen to ME. I’m thankful that your little one is safe and that you are brave enough to put your story out there so that others can see just how quickly it can happen.
I can thankfully say that I’ve never left my daughter in the car, but I’ve been inattentive in other ways. Last week, I left the bathroom for just a minute or so while she was in the tub. The whole time praying, “Please God don’t let her drown,” only to hear a loud bang and a cry. Rushing back I discovered that she had tried to climb out of the tub, presumably to follow me, and had slipped and fallen face first onto the bathroom tile. Swooping up my naked, wet, crying and panicked child, I began to cry too telling her over and over again, “Mommy is so sorry!” I realized in that moment, that instead of falling out of the tub she could have fallen while in the tub and drowned just that fast. I will never leave her alone in the tub again.
This is one of my major parenthood paranoia’s. A few months ago I forgot to drain the tub after bathing my little ones, and didn’t realize for several hours that there was just a tub full of water up stairs, waiting for someone to fall into it. Nothing happened, thank goodness, but it really freaked me out that I had been so careless. Every parent makes scary mistakes now and then, but it’s always nice to hear from others that they are not perfect either.
Thank you so much for being willing to share this. I stood with the firing squad once a long time ago. While I’ve never forgotten my child in the car, I, a certified tech, someone who suffered a very horrid accident as a teenager that I’ll suffer from forever, HAVE forgotten to buckle in my toddler. Why? A change in routine. A momentary distraction that threw everything off. And of course I thought, “What if he hadn’t yelled and told me? What if we’d gotten in an accident? There would be all those people online saying, ‘What kind of idiot never buckles their child in?’ or ‘They deserved it!’ ” while I say, “But I NEVER forget!”
In addition, the article I think about most, always, whenever people do mention leaving a child in a car, is this one:
Major trigger warning there, but every single parent should read it.
Thanks for sharing your story, Jeremy.
I was so grateful when I was driving out of a parking lot, lost in a city in the time before we had a GPS, after pulling over to get something to eat at a grocery store, when my DS (three years old at the time) went, “Mommy, I’m not buckled!” before we were on the road, as soon as he realized that I was driving towards the road. I am so glad that he knows that he is buckled in every. single. time., and knew to tell me that he wasn’t.
For some reason it hated my HTML. Here’s the article I referenced: http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2009-03-08/news/36840402_1_courtroom-tissue-class-trip
I am so sorry this happened to you. As the mother of 5, soon to be 6, little ones I can assure you that it really can happen to the best of us. I have been fortunate enough that I haven’t accidentally forgotten one of them in the car (although with the craziness of many little kids it is one of my fears,) but there have been a couple of times with two different babies I have reached my destination only to discover that I only placed the youngest in their carseat but didn’t actually buckle them up amidst the madness of helping all the others buckle their seats. We all make mistakes. Such a good blog post to remind us to have compassion when others mistakes don’t turn out so benignly.
So glad your baby girl was okay! Thank you for this post. I was a social worker before getting married and having a baby of my own. It was so easy to look down on the “inadequate” parents we worked with and think how “I would never …” My son is only 7 months old, but already I realize how foolish and hypocritical I was, and how already I owe his life to the grace of God, not my own skill or parenting. Thanks for this reminder to show some grace and look out for other parents to help them, instead of throwing them under a bus.
thank you for sharing! my 9 month old son fell of the bed on my watch a couple weeks ago, and I felt horrible- and like you, hope that disappointment is the worst we all have to face for our times of inattention. hope you find grace in this moment, and thanks for sharing it with us, if for no other reason than to remind us all as parents that we are not alone in this journey. thanks!
Thank you. It’s good to know that I’m not the only parent out there that screws up. Fear and shame keep so many of us from growing together, choosing to clam up instead, to keep our failures to ourselves, and act as if we are perfect. I hope my story helps break the cycle of shame and fear for some parents so we can be free to be ourselves and allow our failures to encourage and inform others; for their sanity, their children’s safety, and more. It’s good to know I’m not alone.
3 kids later – I’ve come to realize those parents who judge the harshest are the ones who are secretly scared they’ll do the same thing. Life happens. We want to be super parents and think we can do all – but in reality we can’t. All it takes is a moment. A moment where another child needs our attention, a moment when the smoke alarm goes off thanks to bacon grease or when the phone rings or someone knocks on the door or when you’re bending down to the bottom shelf in the grocery store to look at the ingredients and your child takes off…
Most parents should be more understanding and less judgemental. The ones that are – understand. The ones that aren’t – will be when they do it themselves.
I feel “less bad” now, about a mont ago I secured my baby in his carseat, passed the belt where is supposed to go… and didn´t lock it. I realized my mistake when I heard a weird “tic tic tic” a couple of blocks away. It worried me that the sound came directly from my baby’s seat, so I looked for a safe place to park and checked… and I almost had a heart attack when I saw the belt unlocked. I couldn’t believe it… I SO understand this guy, and I include myself in the judging table of perfect parents before actually having kids. Thanks a lot for writing this.
I remember being in the hospital after my daughter was born and watching the local news. There was a story about a young mother with a brand new baby who had mistakenly left her baby in his car seat on top of the car and took off. The baby was fine but the police were called and the mother was raked over the coals. Neighbors were interviewed and given the opportunity to declare their contempt and disgust for the young mother and her actions. The child was seized by CPS pending further investigation.
I was on my third day in the hospital (after a c-section) with a screamingly discontent baby, breasts that wouldn’t work, and a total of about 60 minutes of sleep under belt since my daughter’s birth. While the poor woman in the story was being portrayed as a monster I just kept thinking “It would be so easy to forget. I could see myself doing the exact same thing. Haven’t these other mothers been there? Don ‘t they remember the feeling of of being a sleep deprived zombie? How can other parents be so cruel?” I had no idea………..
my oldest child put my toddler in the car ahead of me while I cleaned up our tray. she had thought I strapped the toddler in and i figured she did. I drove down a very busy street and luckily decided to stop off at a store. We noticed our mistake then and were mortified. We now both check if the other put her in the car. and, who ever sits her in the seat is required to strop her in and the other check that it was done and done correctly. I am far from a bad parent and she is far from a bad kid. We just assumed wrong. Make no assumptions and just glance behind you before getting in and out of the car. It is easy.
I have always had this fear since having children. I double, triple check everything. Sometime I worry so much I honestly can’t remember if I forgot. I use to think my God there is something wrong with me. I shouldn’t have these thoughts, these fears. But as I get old I realize its normal (whatever normal is) all parents go through these things,these fears. Don’t be too hard on your self. You were lucky you learned and I’m pretty sure it will never happen again.
I am one of those parents. I didn’t lock my infant in a car, but I allowed my eleven year old son to ride his bike on the highway in front of our house. This is a rural, 55 mph highway. He was hit by a car in 2001 and was gone.
I am a cautious, caring parent. My son was a very cautious, careful child. We had allowed him to ride his bike to a neighbor’s house with their son, who was older, and I thought he’d be safe. But, I imagine, that because he was with someone “older”, he felt safe to just follow the boy across the highway. But the other boy didn’t look, and only narrowly avoided being hit as well.
Only later did I learn that the boy was learning disabled because of his mothers drug addiction during her pregnancy.
And the driver of the car? He couldn’t be found by the police later because he went to prison on drug charges later that week. He is a chronic drug addict and alcoholic well known to any police officer in our area.
But none of that changes the fact that it was simply a bad parenting decision to allow my son to ride his bike on the highway. It was only a quarter of a mile. I could have driven him.
It took me years to even face my culpability. I never really denied it, but facing it is another matter entirely.
I have no idea if being guilty for your child’s death either adds to, detracts from, or can not affect the overwhelming grief of losing a child. I don’t think my brain or my body are large enough to engage the enormity of both of those events at the same time.
I have spent years being angry. Angry at myself. Angry at family members who are neither cautious nor caring, have raised their children to be like wolves, and they get to keep all their children. Angry at God. Angry at the people who live in the “slums” in our town, who allow their toddlers to ride skateboards on the busy street in front of their house with no consequences. Or at least no consequences as severe as mine. That I can see. It’s easy to be angry at people you don’t really know. Angry at God when other people’s children are somehow miraculously healed from something, and mine wasn’t. I recently realized that the anger has really turned to envy. Not really healthy. Perhaps I should focus on appreciating the 11 years I had with this wonderful, intelligent, thoughtful, imaginative, loving boy.
Accepting your imperfections when the consequences of them are dire, life-changing and permanent is no easy task. I’m not sure there will ever be an explanation good enough for why most people parental errors only result in screwing their kid up. But mine resulted in the end of his life. So many things are impermanent, even understanding the permanence of death is a challenge.
And I know people whose children have grown up to have major problems. Drug addiction, time in prison, alcohol addiction, abandoning their own children, turning in to monsters, getting angry and never speaking to their parents. I am fortunate enough to have two adult children who are decent human beings. I will never know the pain of having a child who is a huge jerk. I count myself equally fortunate to not have lost my child to suicide, or a horrific murder, or that the child just disappeared one day and was never found.
So this article is interesting to me. Especially the last paragraph. If you’ve ever left your toddler in the bathtub to answer the phone and come back to find him happily playing, good for you. If you’ve ever been late to pick up your grade schooler from practice and found him all alone, but alive and okay, you’re lucky. If your child has ever not come home from school one afternoon, and you left work and found him outside on a freezing cold day because he had forgotten his key, and he was okay, wonderful. If you ever thought you closed your door when you went to walk the dog and your spouse was sleeping upstairs but it opened a crack anyway, and your toddler ran down the street to find you, got picked up by strangers who called the police shortly after you did, and were reunited, awesome! If your 15 year old daughter’s coach would never state a time when they would be back from a meet, and then abandoned her all alone late at night and you couldn’t get there right away, and you found her just fine – superb. If your autistic toddler was always disappearing in parking lots and stores, and you always found him anyway, even though he would never answer when you called his name, you are lucky. Because all of those things happened to me. I just never knew how blessed I was when nothing bad happened.
And yes, Jeremy Martin-Weber, if your child ever came to harm because of a moment of distraction, or even making the wrong decision for the wrong reason, you would be devastated.
Oh, JC, I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot even begin to imagine the tragedy of it. Sending you love and strength to carry on. xx
I am a parent of three and I have done almost all of it!! It happens…unfortunately! Every one of my kids has made a car trip without being buckled in because they had been unbuckled for some reason or another and I forgot to check…Cringe! I handed the toddler the keys to play with while I buckled her in and forgot to grab them when I shut her door, by the time I walked around to my door, she had locked her and the baby in….Cringe! My two year old son took a header out of the shopping cart because I forgot to remind him for the umpteenth time to sit down before moving the cart….Cringe!! There happened to be a very unapproving bystander for that one! Double cringe! Everything ended up well in my cases and I’m glad they did for you too. There is nothing like that hot flash that washes over you when you realize what could be happening or could have happened!!
This had me tearing up. Thank you for sharing. I have been guilty in the past of leaving my toddler in the car for “just a few minutes” to run in to the store…only in cooler weather. We live in TX. It gets hot so much of the year. But now that little man has joined the family, I have to sit myself down every time I want to leave the house and ask “have I had enough sleep?” “Can I walk straight, let alone drive?” I dread getting out and about with both of them and having something like this happen. Easy to fall into old habits, when going somewhere didn’t require packing for an extended trip. When leaving the house alone didn’t leave me giddy with excitement. We have to forgive ourselves for much every day, and hope that others will be more forgiving.
<3
Once, on a 90 degree mid-July day in Philadelphia, we had to leave Whole Foods in disgrace when my two and a half year old wouldn’t stop screaming. I put my smoothie (and keys, apparently) in the car, got him out of the cart, put him in the carseat, didn’t buckle it, closed the door, and walked around the car to put his baby brother in … and in that time, he climbed to the front seat and managed to lock all of the doors and then settle down to drink the smoothie. The panic that I felt when I felt the door not open was beyond anything I’ve ever felt, and I ran back in the store, my five month old in my arms, asking the cashiers to call the fire department or something because my son was locked in our car. I am so thankful that, instead of someone judgmental, the person who helped me was a father of three, who called AAA, then went to find something heavy so that we could break a window if we had to, and then stood and talked with me until (thank God) my son pressed a button to open the doors again five minutes later. Since then, one of my failsafes is wearing my keys on a wrist lanyard, so that I can’t accidentally put my kid in the car with the keys again – it’s actually really convenient, too, since I don’t have to look in my purse for the keys! We all definitely make mistakes, and guilt and judgment help absolutely nothing. Thank you for the many powerful reminders in this post.
Thank you so much for bravely posting this for us to read, and hopefully learn from. I teared up even thinking of what could have happened, and how frightening those few moments must have been until you saw your girl was just fine. This happened last year to a friend of a close friend, unfortunately resulting in the death of the child. I cannot comprehend the loss, but now I can understand, with compassion, how such a tragedy or mistake may come about. That is something I had been struggling with for the past year, how, why, etc.. In that situation it was the same circumstance, a new routine, out of the ordinary situation which caused a mistake on one of the parent’s part. I religiously check the carseat, the straps, the seat belt, every time double checking myself. This habit was created out of being a new paranoid mom, but also because of hearing of their awful heartache. I so rarely drive anywhere without my baby boy, but I do make a habit of looking in the backseat as I am closing my door.
Logically speaking, if car manufacturers can create the most obnoxious beeping sound because my heavy purse sets off the buckle seatbelt warning in the passenger seat, why aren’t they creating something similar for the backseat? Some sort of alarm bell warning when you turn off the car alerting you to something in your backseat.
When I was a young teacher, and still childless, I was so hard on parents (in my mind, of course). One mother was pregnant and always picked up her child in house slippers. I couldn’t believe that she wasn’t able to get it together and wear shoes for that short walk to the school. Then I got pregnant, and I couldn’t fit my swollen foot into any shoe that I owned. I silently apologized for all the times I thought this woman was a slob, or lazy, or disorganized.
i forgot my 6 month old in the car when i went to the store last week. he was going to stay home with my husband, and i decided to bring him at the last minute. i was in the store 40 minutes before i realized my mistake, and RAN from the back of Walmart, all the way to my car. fortunately, he was still asleep and comfortable, and, thankfully, no one had noticed or called the police. i am certain that it will never happen to me again. my panic and emotion was overwhelming, and i will never forget that sinking feeling. thank you for sharing, Jeremy. it is nice to know that i am not the only one who has done this.
Within a week I had my buggie tip over with my 3wk old baby. Once I was walking across the street to the daycare to pickk up her brother. On the way home he tripped and I stopped to help himfix hbis shoe. I didn’t set the brake and I let go of the buggie and turned my back and the wind picked up and it rolled off the curb and tipped over…I didn’t have her strapped in bc we were walking less than 50yards. A few days later I had her strapped in to the carseat and was carrying her to the car and I fell on the curb of the drive wat and lost my balance and fell ontop of the carrier with her in and it fell on the side. Both times it was more panic anxd fear on my end than anything. She wasn’t hurt at all. As a parent I try not to judge others and if I don’t agree with something i see I ask to get an understanding of their perspective. So thankful sugarbaby is ok and thank you for sharing with us
Thank you so much for your openness, honesty and generosity. This serves as such a meaningful and clear reminder, as well as a heart-softener for those of us quick to judge. I always think, “Oh, that poor poor parent” when I hear about mistakes that cost something dear – lives or mobility or mental ability or other, just heaven knows I judge for plenty of reasons. Thank you, Jeremy. Thank you so much.
Thanks for sharing. My youngest son’s carseat came unbuckled one time when we were buckling the oldest in (their seat belt latches are very close together). I didn’t notice until I arrived at my destination, and was taking him out; the seat was looser than it should have been. The incident has taught me to double check all of my children’s car seats before we go anywhere. I agree that it is easy to judge when you have never been in the situation; hopefully your story gives others the opportunity to be more forgiving, and reinforces the habits that keep everyone healthy and safe.
We drove home from my in-law’s house, a four-hour drive away. When we arrived at home, and I went to unbuckle my 1.5 year old daughter from her carseat, I noticed the straps were really loose, and I didn’t even have to press the button on the base to loosen them. Upon closer inspection, I found out that several cracker crumbs had fallen into the seat, right into the tightening mechanism, rendering it completely useless. I have no idea how long it was like this – she may have been completely vulnerable for the whole drive home. It terrified me and broke my heart – I definitely had a good cry over that.
I have done it. Twice actually. I have more children than this. I had run up to see my nieces at a school event. I got there and ran inside. After sitting there for a bit, my sister turns to me and asks if my husband has the baby. My heart dropped! I ran for the car. He was fine. I have eight children, almost 18 years from youngest to oldest. Years later, new baby after a several year break. I picked the teens up from high school. It was end of finals week for them. I suggested on a whim that we eat out because of it being end of finals week. We went to a restaurant. We go inside and sit there for a bit. Then we order. I get up to use the restroom when I start thinking about the baby. And I remembered, in a panic, that the baby was in the car! I ran back to the table and told the teens that there was an emergency and ran to the car and got in. I was worried about the baby, but I was worried about being caught. It was much easier before airbags in the front seat. With my first two children, the baby was always in the front seat, where you could see them and care for them. Now, with the babies in the back seat, it is harder. My heart goes out to every single person who lost their baby in a situation like this. It actually CAN happen to anyone. Before kids, I taught parenting classes part time and was a teacher fulltime. Now, I am a parent. Clearly, before kids, I was clueless. (((hugs))) Thanks for writing about this.
When my son was born 24 years ago I had reoccuring nightmares of forgetting I had a child (it being new and all) and leaving him asleep at home in the morning etc. Fast forward 23 years and my daughter, 3, rode with her big brothers and I to a wrestling weigh in where I took 4 extra boys. She fell asleep on our way so I unloaded the boys and their bags first intending to unload her last and possibly allow her to sleep on my shoulder. In getting 6 boys hustled into the gym I got distracted (I’ve been a mother for 23 years) and 15-20 minutes later I looked at one of my sons and said, where is your sister. His eyes opened wide. We sprinted out to the car (luckily on a cool winter day but not cold) and she was still asleep in the back seat. THe guilt is still palpable. I too had thought others were neglectful but I realize now that it was a mere oversight, one that could have been too costly.
That makes sense. Hope you’ve now forgiven yourself
I haven’t ever done this (my son’s 2) nor do I see how anyone ever could…but I still won’t “judge harshly.” I would, however, suggest getting a mirror (the crash-proof kind of course) and adjusting it so you can see your baby (rear-facing, I’m assuming). I live in AZ where the summers are 120+ degrees and when my son was born had digestive issues (causing him to frequently vomit and many times choke on it) so a mirror was a definite must.
Before having my son I always worried about “what if I forgot?” It used to be easy to remember bringing him out of the car since we just carried the infant seat in. Now that he’s a big boy in a convertible seat I find myself always worried and always checking his seat.
You are not a monster or any other terrible words you are a father who loves his children with every breath he takes. You are only human so please do not beat yourself up, learn from this moment and grow from it. Like with everything else your family posts about. That being said I know I would be beating myself up if I had done the same, heck I feel bad just leaving him in the car by himself long enough for me to go unlock the door.
I would like to say I would never do this but I cant because as a parent (and I only have one 18 month old) I know we get distracted its not that we dont love our kids but maybe we didnt sleep well the night before and we are working on almost no sleep or maybe we are thinking about the bills that need to be paid or maybe who knows the house is getting remortgaged it doesnt mean we dont love our kids its just the simple fact that life is full of distractions and I for one agree with you I felt the same way before I had my son… I still judge too harshly but until you walk in that persons shoes you cant judge them im glad everyone was ok in this situation. 🙂
I once drove 3 hours with a sleeping 2-year-old who wasn’t strapped in. I had set up her portable DVD and just got into the car and drove away. I minor disruption in routine. She never lets me forget now, and I’m so grateful.
The part about your wife letting you save face has me crying. Bless your heart
Kudos to you for admitting this. When I had my first child, I did forget her in the car. Luckily, I remembered before I made it to the door of our home, but what if I hadn’t? I’m always very hesitant to judge others when I could have just as easily had a bad outcome, had I not remembered at the last moment.
Our son unexpectedly died in his sleep Mar 4, 2012. Now that I know the pain of losing a child, I am even less inclined to judge others because, believe me when I say, this is an exclusive club that NO ONE wants to belong to.
Thank you for posting this. And kudos to your wife for her reaction. My parents had a similar story (baby was fine) and there wasn’t nearly the understanding that your wife showed you. You’ve lived and learned and now you’re spreading awareness. Thank you!
Thank you for being real and honest and vulnerable.
I am that parent, too.
Here is my story:
When my son was 2 months old, my mother and I ran to WalMart to grab a few things. At the last minute, as we were walking out the door, I decided to bring my son with us. He was asleep, put him in the car and took off. He slept the mile and a half to the store, mom and I chatted, got to the store, parked, got out, locked the doors and walked toward the entrance. As we got to the front doors, I saw somebody I knew and thought “Oh I should have brought the baby, she hasn’t met him yet!” and that’s when I remembered I *DID* bring my baby…
I flat ran back to the car, he was still sound asleep, not a care in the world. It was dusk, maybe 65-70 degrees outside. But, I felt sick. I fought not to throw up and hugged him and cried. It was THAT EASY. That quick. What if it had been during the day and it was 90 degrees out? What if I hadn’t seen somebody that reminded me I had brought him? What if there had been an earthquake or somebody stole my car or I had a heart attack in the store and nobody knew my baby was in the car…a million what ifs hit me.
After that, I would put my purse in the floor board of the back seat after I buckled him in. I didn’t always bring my son with me, but I always had my purse…It’s so easy to take simple steps to prevent something like that, leave your purse in the back seat, leave a shoe, put a stuffed animal visual reminder, there are childminder devices you can buy that will alert you if your car seat is buckled…
Just please don’t ever assume “it can never happen to me”.
And never ever intentionally leave your child in the car. Ever.
My son is about to turn 8 and he’s awesome. I still get sick when I think of that day. The worst thing we can do is say “I would never…”
Thank you for sharing your story. It truly can happen to anyone. We are fallible. We are human. Talking about our imperfection and failures can keep others from making the same mistakes we do. Thank you for being brave enough to illustrate how it can happen to anyone by sharing that it happened to you. ~ Jeremy
Last summer, my older daughter, 3 at the time, was afraid to go outside.. always concerned about the weather. It started due to a thunderstorm. It was so challenging, since we couldn’t stay inside all day! And her younger sister, 2, was ready to go and play. When we’d arrive at a park, my older daughter would start crying and becoming fearful…I allowed her to stay in the car while my younger daughter and I went to the playground area. I had my eye on her the whole time. And we’d go the car every 10 minutes and ask if she was ready to come out. She declined several times. My younger daughter began playing in the sand and really getting into it. I went from watching her…to checking the car. I felt a bit trapped…I couldn’t leave my daughter at the sandbox and I also needed to check in with my older daughter. I told my younger daughter that we had 2 more minutes and then we needed to go. She definitely dragged her feet when we needed to leave…When I got back the car, my daughter was warm and crying. I had the most terrified feeling I’ve ever felt. Especially with all the stuff in the news. I mean, windows were cracked and she wasn’t forgotten…but, there are so many situations where parents have to make the best decision that they can. That was honestly the best one I could make. But all I could think on the way home was…never again. I’m never leaving her in the car again!
When it comes to safety, one is much easier than two/multiple kids! With my son, 2 yrs old, I was so careful all of the time. Never forgot him in the car, but knew how easily I could have, never left him unstrapped, etc. But he did fall from the bed 3 times… Now with my 2 yr old, and 3 month old everything has changed. So far, my lo hasnt fallen from the bed, but me and hubby have both been guilty of putting her carseat in the car, nice and snug in the base, but she was not strapped in! Each time it was because we had her out somewhere and laid her back into her seat without strapping her down because it would be quite some time before leaving. Each time, my heart stopped when i realized what happened and what didnt happen. Each time ive thanked God for keeping her safe through my negligence. Each time once my heart beat again, adrenaline pumped through me as i thought, what if!? Each time, i thought i can never let this happen again. I wish there were some kind of alarm that could trigger if you put a carseat in its base and the seat straps were not connected. I think as parents we can mever have too many alarms/reminders that we forgot something.