by Jessica Martin-Weber
This post is the partner post to one Jeremy wrote, 9 Tips to having more and better sex after baby, on The Leaky Boob as part of a giveaway celebrating Valentine’s Day and expressing love beyond one day. Find the giveaway information and widget to enter at the end of this post.
Sex after baby. Everybody wants it, many fear it’s a lost cause, some dread it, others predict doom and gloom, a fair share are too exhausted to consider it, a few hop right to it, plenty think about it nervously, untold numbers want to figure out how to get more of it or how to want to want it at all. Talk swirls around of lack of sex killing a relationship, a partner’s sexual needs, pressures of duty and obligation, what a woman wants, what a man needs, and how it seems like babies have an internal radar as to when their parents are getting it on no matter how strategic the timing. That last one is probably true. There are conflicting stereotypes; the fatigued and uninterested burnt out mom, the demanding and sex-obsessed dad, the sex kitten always available MILF, and the lazy-boy uninterested burnt out dad who doesn’t even take a second look when his partner stands in front of the TV naked before asking her to move. In our sex obsessed society it’s no surprise that one of the biggest concerns about life after baby is if there will be a sex life after baby.
And now I will say what probably nobody ever expected anyone to say about sex after children:
My sex life drastically improved after having children.
I don’t mean it’s always what I want it to be or always great but it is so much better than before we had kids. So is my marriage in general. Blaming having children for a couple’s sex life going down hill is missing reality: it’s not the baby’s fault. It’s also not the fault of breastfeeding, where your baby sleeps (we have had our kids in their own beds and rooms and with us), or giving birth.
I’m no expert but I’ve been having sex “after baby” for the last 15 years that included giving childbirth 6 times. No expert but certainly experienced. Which is incredibly awkward to write considering I know that some friends and family read this blog, including my mother-in-law. Though she’s probably figured out we have sex by now…
But because I’m an advocate of sex not being a shame-filled topic and instead need to be open honest conversations with information sharing, I’m going to share my voice of experience on sex after baby anyway. Even though I’m pretty sure several coworkers and maybe even my boss read here too. We’re awkward talking about sex because of shame even when there is absolutely no reason to invite shame to the party.
Shame sucks, you guys. In so many ways it sucks life out of us and ruins relationships, experiences, and allows oppression to continue. Shame can prevent us from living whole heartedly, as Brene Brown says. And shame can definitely ruin sex. So for this conversation, we’re kicking shame to the curb, inviting honesty, and embracing vulnerability with a serving of humor.
Welcome to parenting where you will be faced with levels of honesty and vulnerability that one can only handle with a decent sense of humor.
First, 5 ways sex changes after having a baby
1. Bodies. The obvious, physical changes. Not good, not bad, not ugly (kick that body shaming talk out of the room, it so ain’t sexy), just changed. Unless there is some damage that happened, and it does happen, while a woman’s body will change with childbirth, it should still function and experience the same sensations as before but it will be different. After the initial nervousness, many women discover that sex actually improves after baby. And don’t make the mistake of thinking that the birthing partner is the only one that experiences physical changes, studies show that men also experience physical hormone changes during pregnancy. Same sex partners likely experience this affect as well.
2. Availability. Sex won’t be as readily available after baby. Time taking care of your kid(s) will cut into time you could be having sex. There will be an ebb and flow to this, with certain seasons of your child’s development taking more time than others
3. Energy. Kids are work. LOTS of work. Wonderful, rewarding, special, fulfilling, and very draining work. And you’re learning on the job, a job that is 24/7. There are times when it will be down right exhausting and more often than not, you won’t even get a break when it’s most fatiguing.
4. Priorities. It’s likely sex is going to move down on your list of priorities a bit, at the very least, a new person has come into your life that will shift all your priorities by a position or two. Sex isn’t likely to rank as high and honestly, sometimes sleep will be more important to you.
5. Creative. Because of points 1-4, sex after baby often has to become more creative. Bodies have changed, availability a little more complicated, energy levels waxing and waning, and priorities rearranged, can make having sex more interesting. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes that’s bad. It’s all in what you do with it and you’ll have to get creative.
Secondly, 5 ways to ruin sex after baby.
6. Stress. You know how great stress is as an aphrodisiac? Nothing gets you more in the mood than feeling like your overwhelmed and anxious, right? Stress doesn’t help with sex, not with wanting it, getting it, or enjoying it. Stressing about sex is pretty much the worst thing you could do if you hope to be having it. But how do you just stop stressing about… anything? Let alone sex? You’re going to have to identify why you’re stressed, develop a strategy for reducing the stress, and ask for help. In other words, pour a glass of wine (before anyone freaks, a glass of wine is fine even for breastfeeding moms but it’s never ok to be buzzed or drunk while caring for or cosleeping with children), sit on the couch, and without any blaming, communicate this stress with your partner. Get vulnerable.
7. Impatience. Being impatient creates stress by the way so read point 6 again if you’re dealing with stress. Like my kids thinking I’m taking FOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVVVER going to the bathroom while they wait outside the door for me to answer their 172nd question about when we get a dog and I answer yet again that I don’t feel we’re ready for one at this point in time, what feels like a long time may actually just be the postpartum version of peeing, wiping, pulling up your pants, and washing your hands. Asking = pressuring when you’re trying to pee or find your libido. The 6 week wait suggestion for resuming sexual activity after giving birth is just a suggestion, not law. Listen to your body and respond accordingly, if you need more time, take it, and if you need less, great. This goes for both partners, plenty of women are impatient with themselves after childbirth, frustrated that their sex drive hasn’t “bounced back.” Impatience with how long it may take to even want sex, adjusting to this new version of sex, or anything else related can ruin the whole thing.
8. Comparing. Oddly enough for there being such a lack of honest conversations about sex, there is sex everywhere. Or what we’re told is sex. TV shows, film, porn, magazine ads, etc., make it seem like everyone is having way more and way sexier sex than you are. This puts so much pressure on pretty much everyone that it’s not unusual that when we do talk about it sometimes even in real life it seems like everyone is having way more and way sexier sex than you. Some people are, great for them. (Come on now, be happy for them.) Lots more are probably way closer to what you’re experiencing, specially if they have young children. And don’t compare to stereotypes. Who cares what women are supposed to like or do and what men supposedly want, just be yourself. Comparing your sex life with anyone else, real or imaginary, won’t help the spark in your own sex life and could very likely deflate it entirely. Same thing goes with comparing your life with anyone else, real or imaginary.
9. Forcing. Sometimes I hear people say that if you don’t want to have sex you just have to do it anyway. Phrases like “take one for the team” (I just threw up in my mouth a bit writing that), “suck it up, it’s your duty”, and “if you don’t do it, he/she will find it elsewhere” seem to be acceptable forms of sexual coercion in our society, particularly within committed relationships. Coercion isn’t sexy. Obligated sex isn’t sexy. When someone feels forced or manipulated into doing something they don’t want to do, they don’t feel safe and this will undermine true vulnerability and relational security. Not only may it ruin your sex life, it may very well ruin your relationship. Sometimes it is worth trying to have sex even if you’re not in the mood but only if the context is completely safe and free of pressure and expectation of duty.
10. Imbalance. If one partner gets to be done “working” and experiences changes of environment and interactions and the other doesn’t, monotony and frustration are likely to hit. If one partner feels more responsible than the other for child care and home life, having to be on and available 24/7 can deplete their resources. Imbalance in the relationship and the responsibilities or a woman feeling there is a lack of support from her partner is like the antithesis of sex appeal, more than body changes, fatigue (though that’s a big one), and even feeling pressured for sex. Support in their parenting journey ends up being sexy, according to a study of new parents. Coparenting and equal responsibility can ignite the fires of passion and doing chores together provides plenty of opportunity for flirting that made lead to something more later and a shared work load means more energy and one not exhausted from carrying the burden alone.
Lastly, 6 was to help your sex life after baby
11. Space. Before kids finding some time alone to relax, read, be creative, hear your own thoughts, pee alone, take a shower, and sleep didn’t seem like a complicated challenge each and every day. After kids, it’s likely these things will. As much as breastfeeding releases hormones the help with reducing stress and promote bonding, constant touch and interaction, even with an infant, can be draining. When partners help each other find space in their day and week, a few minutes to a few hours to recharge, it helps each find room for even entertaining the idea of sex. But if a partner is “touched out” and hasn’t had time to themselves, they often won’t have anything left to give and sex can end up feeling like a burden. Want better sex? Make each partner getting the space they need to remember their whole selves a priority, respecting whatever that looks like according to individual personalities and preferences.
12. Masturbate. Whenever I mention this one people get uncomfortable. Self pleasure isn’t something to be ashamed of and it can greatly help relieve sexual tension and frustration, allowing for a more gradual progression of coming together. For women that have given birth, masturbation can go a long way in discovering what works for you now and adjust to the changes of your body. It can also help develop confidence. If you know what feels good to you, if you know you can find pleasure sexually, sharing that with your partner can translate into really, really great sex. The only time self pleasure can be a problem is if it replaces sex together for a long period of time or if it becomes dependent on tools that somehow create unrealistic expectations of sex with your partner.
13. Intentionality. With the shifting of priorities it is likely you’ll have to make an intentional effort to getting to those that end up bumped a little lower on the list. Including sex. Some couples find putting it on the calendar helps but others find that too rigid and too much pressure. Even if you like a more spontaneous approach, being intentional can help make your sex life after baby great. It may not be that you have to be intentional about sex as much as intentional about finding ways to cultivate the connection you have with your partner. Take time to decompress when you need it but also take time to turn off screens (TV, smart phones, computer, tablets, etc.), take a break from chores, and intentionally focus on each other. Regular date nights (when baby is still really young, take baby along), mini dates at home (we call them couch dates), no-sexual-pressure massages, cooking a meal together, are just a few ways you can be intentional in keeping your connection going outside that can help make for great sex.
14. Flirting. You may be in a committed relationship (or not…) and you may have a child or two (or six…) but your flirting days are far from being over. Want great sex? Flirt. All. Day. Long. Except for sometimes if your partner feels like it is pressure. Carrying over from the previous point, intentional flirting with your partner communicates how they are on your mind, that you see them as more than just your coparent. Even now, 18 years after we met, when Jeremy flirts with me be it with a flirtatious touch, glance, low comment only I can hear amidst the ruckus of our children, a sexy email, a tantalizing text (one of my favorites is just a simple text message saying “I’m thinking of you right now…”, or “I’m looking forward to being alone later”, or even more sexy “I was just remembering that thing we did the other night…”), or a sweet and thoughtful gesture that, though simple, he knows I will appreciate. And I flirt back. Let me be clear, this isn’t a ploy to get sex, that will be seen through faster than a projectile spit up and backfires as manipulative and pressuring. Flirting has to be genuine, you really want your partner’s attention and to let them know you want to be with them because you want to be with them, not because you want to get laid.
15. Communication. Look into each other’s eyes, listen and talk. About everything and anything but especially about sex. Don’t be alone together, be together together. And if sex isn’t really working, listen and talk about that, vulnerably without shame or blame. This may be more scary than the prospect of sex after giving birth to an 8 pound tiny human but it can be just as rewarding.
16. Humor. There are bound to be bumps along the road, learning to laugh at the experiences together (not laughing at each other unless that works for you without jeopardizing the safe space you share for vulnerability). Laughter helps release tension and pours endorphins and stress reducing hormones into your body. A shared communication of happiness, laughing together bonds and connects. Along the parenting journey there will be moments where the options are clearly laugh or cry. When you can, choose laughter and the distress will giveaway to calm. With your partner, humor can serve to provide support, flexibility, and understanding. Laughter is sexy.
Of course sex after baby is going to be different because everything after baby is different. Regardless of your parenting decisions: stay at home, work from home, work out of the home, breastfeeding, formula feeding, cosleeping, separate sleeping, babywearing, or whatever, your life will change with having a baby. Your schedule, cooking, sleep, housekeeping, your purse, underwear, expenditures, priorities, entertainment, bathing opportunities, and pretty much everything else about your life will change. Let’s stop being shocked that things are going to be different after having a baby and let’s start working to enjoy the seasons of life as they roll. It’s not that having children takes over, it’s that when you add so much love and someone so wonderful to your life you suddenly really begin to understand what it means to love beyond yourself and beyond how love makes you feel. Having children has taught me so much about being truly be present in my relationships, to not be looking just for what I get out of them, and to understand the value of vulnerability, letting go of shame, and humor in living beyond me.
~Jessica
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Arm’s Reach is the generous sponsor making it possible for Jeremy, aka: The Piano Man, to speak with Jessica at 4 different MommyCon events in 2014, presenting their “Sex After Baby” talk. Jeremy will be speaking in Chicago, Denver, and two other cities TBA. Motherlove is also the generous sponsor making it possible for Jessica to speak at MommyCon events in 2014!
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Happy Valentine’s Day and BEYOND!
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My tip for better sex after baby…is coconut oil. Or your lube of choice. For real. It’s amazing how much better proper lubrication makes sex, and I often find I get in the mood more often if we have a great experience- good sex begets more good sex!
Yup! Works like a charm!
Really?! Thanks for the tip. I just had a VBA2C and so I feel like a first time mom in this department. C-sections have their own issues to deal with for sex including dryness, but it wasn’t as extreme as I think it will be this time. And I had a second degree tear…so coconut oil, yeah? Lots?! lol. We have buckets of the stuff. 🙂
Find ways to complement one another. Not with words but with action and understanding. No pointing fingers. Agree to disagree. Take time for you but also as a couple. Patience.
seeing the hubby with the kids and when he helps around the house
Couldn’t agree more!
Wine. Lots of wine.
great tips!
When my husband does little things for me and the family, like spending extra time, or doing the dishes, things like that…always seems to make me more attracted to him and puts me in the mood!
It is hard to get in the mood once baby saps all of your energy, but remember that your partner came first and without the sex, there would have been no baby!
This is what I was gonna say…it is hard to be in the mood for me and I don’t like that at all. So what works well for me usually is to take a quiet, hot shower and think about how sex was before and how it made me feel!
Spending alone time with my husband can put me in the mood.
Forget the chocolate and flowers, I can be won with yummy ripe fruit!
Honestly with a 2.5 yr old who hasn’t slept well in 2 yrs – what puts me in the mood is a good night’s rest. It’s a lot more enjoyable when I’m not operating on 3 hr stretches of sleep.
What puts me in the mood is when he gets aroused by accident, just me being me.
What puts me in the mood is not having a lot on my mind – in other words, I’ve gotten help with so many of the daily chores related to mothering – bedtime, clean up, homework for older kids, baby care for the younger ones. When I am more free mentally, I am more free emotionally and physically.
When I get help around the house.
A massage usually helps up me in the mood.
Getting help around the house puts me in the mood, it frees up my mind of some of the daily grind.
What puts me in the mood is A, not having birth control hormones in my body anymore, and B when he wears my favorite hat and is looking good!
Patience,gentleness & understanding
Being sweet and helpful
Pretty much everything!
Love these tips!
When my husband makes me feel like he has to have me
My husband helps me get in the mood when he takes a little more control of helping the kids nighttime routine stay on track and getting them to bed. It saves me some effort, is thoughtful, and lets me know he is willing to put n effort to be with me.
“what puts you in the mood?” well, THAT’S a personal question! 😉 relaxing. a nice bath, getting to sleep in, a back/arm/hand/leg rub.
I think anytime my husband does the dishes puts me in the mood. I don’t think he ever does it for that reason either. Even sexier!
An awesome back rub always puts me in the mood! It’s nice to just share physical contact.
Sex is a pretty rough topic for my husband and I- but especially for me. He really has his work cut out for him when it comes to helping me “get into the mood” and when he’s ALWAYS “in the mood” we find ourselves and a giant, tipping scale with both of us out of balance. Much of this post spoke about vulnerability and in the end, that’s exactly what puts me in the mood. When he takes off his stone mask and shows me more than his masculinity, when he truly lets me in and shows me the parts of himself that he rarely shows anyone, that place where I feel less alone in my ever-raw emotions and vulnerability; that is the place where I find our connection and when we are connected I find the passion we began with ten years ago. Seeing my husband without his guard, his sensitivity is what “puts me in the mood”. Though I’m sure he doesn’t believe it hah.
Try to grab those special moments when you can find the time. Trying to schedule it can lead to stress if things don’t line up to make it happen.
A sleeping baby!
I haven’t figured out a good tip yet. We are struggling. 🙁 I appreciate this article as it is very timely. Thank you.
My husband helping out with other duties helps put me in the mood. If I have to do everything for everyone, I don’t have the energy left for him AND I’m probably going to be pretty annoyed.
I struggle with this. Living with family is one issue but it’s mostly some of the points you have listed above. We really need to work on this.
My husband is only at home on weekends (sometimes only every third weekend) so we really try and enjoy the short time we have together.
I like when my husband and I flirt all day long. From morning until night. We don’t even have to have sex that night, the flirting could continue until the next morning and help us really enjoy one another. It isnt about quantity as much as about quality of time spent.
Thank you so much for being so frank! 🙂
Forgot the tip! I would say learning to shut off your mind.
“Support in their parenting journey ends up being sexy” – oh so true! Feeling supported, valued, and part of a parenting team sets the framework to get me in the mood.
Flirting is so important, it’s the little things things that lead to the “finish” 😉
I have to agree with Marybeth…it’s all about the lube! Also, reading some steamy romance novels can help you get in the mood. 😉
thank you so much for this post! it is very encouraging and i plan to share it with my husband so that we can improve our sex life together
Nothing is sexier than a man who appreciates how hard I’ve worked at parenting all day instead of the ‘what have you been doing all day?’ routine! Acknowledging that I’m tired but he’ll make it ‘worth my while’ to stay up a bit later goes a long way too!
Getting some time to myself. As a SAHM to 2 I feel like I’m always on during the day. Since I’m also an introvert it is very draining for me. A little time to recharge and do what I want alone does wonders.
Feeling connected with your spouse is what creates intimacy for me. Understanding and patience…
When the husband says go do something for an hour for you. Love it…
Kissing and touching puts me in the mood.
Remember to spend time together as a couple, not just as parents.
Patience and not-for-sex touching, usually gets there anyway.
I would say hands down touching….knowing you have that physical contact!
Cuddling and talking is a great way to destress and relax. When I relax to it leads to me being in the mood. Bubble baths also help.
Him helping around the house actually and just flirting
Emotional intimacy usually gets me in the mood, or little pieces of affection through the day.
Coconut oil for intimate times made a words of difference, plus it’s just go for down there and well everywhere!
A clean house and booze…
I don’t really have any tips but this article and comments were very helpful, so hopefully I will get some drive back soon! I think a big thing with me is I need to take more initiative and make time to be intimate instead of making excuses!
A clean house 😀
Having alone time to relax with hubs with baby fast asleep in another room
I good nights rest the day before does wonders for my mood and makes it more likely for me to want sex because I can think clearly.
Unfortunately I have not been intimate with my husband since having our daughter. The pain if a C Sec and my being uncomfortable with the while situation has been difficult. I do not feel okay with the baby in the same room nor do I feel okay if she starts crying in another room. It’s something I have to work on buy I am not sure I am ready for it yet. My husband is patient but I know he’s getting frustrated.
I love it when hubby takes the kids for awhile so I can do things for myself… like shower! When I feel better about how I look, and have had a break, I am so much more in the mood for a little adult time.
Having hubby help out and getting our son to bed.
Love a little massage to get me in the mood!
Get some rest. As hard as that may be after having a baby, it’s important. When I’m exhausted I just can’t but if I can get even just a couple of hours of decent sleep I feel so much better!
cuddling and relaxing together
What puts me in the mood is light touch massage.
A patient husband and enough sleep for mama! It’s hard to be interested if your eyes won’t stay open.
I love the humor suggestion! My hubby is a crazy guy, and it’s fun to just go along with it sometimes- He’ll always make me laugh!
Take it slow
Light touch massage puts me in the mood.
I think looking forward to trying new things helps with the mood
What puts me in the mood? Real clothes, lol. It sounds ridiculous but I’m a SAHM and I spend most of my days in PJ pants and T-shirts, and my husband prefers comfy clothes when he’s home as well. Just putting on jeans and a shirt with some shape (and a real bra!) makes a world of difference in my feelings and intentions.
I have to be relaxed and not stressed out!
My husband taking time to “warm up” and not just wanting sex right away puts me in the mood.
A nice back massage puts me in the mood. 😉
Def communication is key and time for each other, do not make me feel like a slave in the house and all i am is the caretaker LOL help me out and you will get reciprocated greatly! thats my advice!
Be patient and start with listening and snuggling. Even if you are too tired for sex you can still share a quiet snuggle at the end of the day.
Feelings wanted puts me in the mood. Feeling like he wants to be with me and not just “get off”. A simple hug and kiss while I’m making dinner… a grope even. Being told how much he wants to be with me even if we only have energy for a cuddle.
Seeing my husband being sweet and fun with our girls is so sexy to me.
My hubby helping out a little extra and trying for a 3rd baby doesn’t hurt either
Little unexpected surprises like putting away things, doing an extra chore, something I do everyday that I can skip today 🙂
A nice full body massage with some lavender scented coconut oil always works
Help with the kids and house….. Candles……. Massage….. Relaxation. 🙂
When my husband helps out around the house and when he tells me I am beautiful.
Getting enough rest!
A nice warm bath and massage then just try different positions to figure out what works.
a romantic dinnere!
Seeing my hubby work so hard to provide for our family
A lil tequila and feeling pretty 🙂
I find that having a quiet, clean house where I can decompress for a little bit really puts me in the mood. A nice warm bath and an essential oil back rub are awesome too!
Definitely when he gives me a massage.
Cuddling with my SO
Long hugs, slow dancing
When my husband puts the kids to bed!
Nothing…yet
I dont have any tips.. its been a while since I have had a baby! But I am about to have to figure this out!
An uninterrupted back rub!
sleep!
A sweet nudge after help with anything in around the house. Not just asking for it.
Husband being helpful and also his patience; I don’t like being pushing into it.
Flirting/heavy petting with the hubby throughout the day…gets us in the mood for when we can have our alone time once the baby is asleep
being flirted with without expectation ;]
Non-sexual touch from my hubby helps me know he’s still interested in me and not just for sex. That and him helping me around the house without me asking.
non-sexual touching helps!
Nothing really puts me in the mood.. I feel so sorry for my sig other! Breastfeeding is keeping any and all hormones away that would make me want to do anything with him.
Nice back rub, or after some relaxing mommy time!
The little things, like having help around the house and small touches if I am making dinner or things like that.
Seeing my husband be a great dad
Nothing puts me in the mood like a nice back rub from my husband!
Flirt. All. Day. Long. I often forget to flirt with my husband and not only will it make me feel better but it will make him feel wanted which we need since we both work a disgusting amount and have a 3 month old.
Tip for better sex after baby: honestly, I don’t have one!… Which is why I am reading these posts by Jeremy and Jessica. We. Need. Help.
When he acts like he cant resist me 🙂
A massage
Soft touches, caressing, kissing and hugging.
I think it’s important not to feel pressured. When I feel like it is not expected, that’s when I’m the most interested!
When my husband helps take care of the baby so I can have some me time.
Having some good quality time always puts me in the mood.
Having my hubby play with the kids so I can get some rest puts me in the mood for sex.
Not feeling run down and touched-out
Loving words, acknowledgment of my hard work, and help around the house/with the kids puts me in the mood.
My husband telling me i do a great job, helping out and being a sweet daddy or giving me a massage, he was awesome when my daughter was born, he would clean, cook, get things for me.. he always said he felt so helpless because i gave her everything she needed, he changed her diapers and took care of us…. that was so sweet. he was really good about not pushing me and trying to make me comfortable and we could stop whenever so there was no pressure. 😀
My husband and a clean house.
Love the doing help around the house and clean sheets : )
Hubby when he is playful but not intending to be sexual
A day off!
I had c-sections with my last 2 so I’m worried about how sex after a vbac will be with this one.
Just love in general. When there is a brief moment, where the children are asleep, and we get to cuddle and gently touch eachother, it puts me in the mood 🙂 We actually can’t cuddle anymore without it turning into something else LOL
Having some help with baby, house, work etc, because it shows he is paying attention to ALL my needs.
I think the thing that puts me in the mood the most is when hubby helps me with all the household duties: Laundry, dishes, dinner, calming DD, and once she’s in bed for the night he will wrap his arms around me and hug me really tight for a very long time and kiss me like he means it. Not just the quick pop-kiss, but a long, slow, deep kiss. Yeah…that does it. 🙂
A nice home cook meal with some wine and the baby sleeping. Add in some candles and chocolate and I’m set
I love it when my husband cooks for me – nothing sexier. 🙂
Kissing and lots of it!
Sleep and a shower! I can’t feel sexy when I haven’t showered in days and I can barely keep my eyes open.
Not be exhausted + having had five minutes to my self + kind and helpful husband.
And hardest to get, a little privacy.
ANYTHING!
I love watching the way my husband cares for our children especially our babies!
Watching my husband snuggle our baby so I can have alone time after he gets off work.
When I come home to a clean house. 🙂
Getting a back rub from my hubby! I always tell him he has magic fingers!
A nice massage would put me in the mood
Having an understanding partner that things are weird and different after having a baby is key for me. Awkwardness will happen. Things won’t feel the same. But it’s ok!
What gets me in the mood is a sweet text from my partner during the day. Just knowing he’s thinking about me and looking forward to seeing me makes me happy.
At the moment, not much.
Being rested helps me! Lacking that, hugs, talking, and a back rub!
When my husband does simple things for me. Making dinner, Bringing home flowers, Small things make the biggest impact!
A helpful partner is a happy partner! Having just a few less responsibilities puts me in the mood… You did dishes? DONE!
Putting on lingerie always helps me get in the mood if I’m not there yet!
When’s husband helps me with cleaning and cooking ;). Sexiest thing ever.
When my hubby rubs my back in the middle of the night or just catches me off guard. 🙂
A massage puts me in the mood.
Little surprises and random acts of kindness!
When hubby helps share the “work” load at home it takes the pressure off me, and gives me space to breathe. And fuels my desire for him 🙂
Porn. It helps to get in the mood.
Playfulness!
What puts me in the mood? Taking a shower & spending one on one time with my husband after the toddler has gone to bed. Having the dishes washed for me doesn’t hurt either 😉
A nice shoulder rub!
Kissing, cuddling, laughing and sometimes a couple of libations! Those are some things that help to set the mood!
I need the right mindset and to have the kids asleep or occupied.
A clean house and a nice movie.
When my husband helps out and gives me an evening off or getting a good nights rest!
Flirting
seeing my husband love on my boys makes me want to love on him… just giving me a time to breath and watch is the best thing ever!
Seeing husband help out with the kids and also around the house in general. Not only is it wonderful to have the help but it also means I will have more energy for some one on one time with him 😉
Getting sleep and help with house work.
feeling emotionally connected and sleeping children puts me in the mood!
When my hubby helps me get the kids to bed and the evening chores done. Then maybe i’m able to relax a little before we get to bed at a decent hour and i’m not completely exhausted 🙂
The only thing that gets me in the mood is another person. Since baby our relationship has gone downhill faster than the Olympic skiing team!
When my hubby listens and responds to my needs
Wine gets me in the mood! 🙂 as does being stress free.
What gets me in the mood is when my husband is affectionate and gives me a little back rub first.
11-16 are so important!!!!
A massage gets me in the mood
I think what puts me in the mood nowadays (with a 2 year old and 2 month old) is a peaceful bedtime routine, which my husband helps with. When my 2 year old takes an hour to fall asleep, and pushes each of my proverbial buttons, it puts me in a bad headspace and sexy time just isn’t going to happen.
Everything puts me in the mood 😛
Kisses 🙂
The little things like no technology and just pure communication
My hubby!
For me the biggest thing is to be aware of when I’m most tired and initiate before then. Instead of right before bed, right after baby goes to bed!:)
Being clean and rested
A good nights rest and some red wine
Making time
Let me come to you lol
A relaxed body and mind.
When the baby goes to sleep early without a fuss and my so and I can actually talk.
making sure i have water for nursing sessions on hand, offering to change diapers, helping with meal prep…. it all goes a long way!
A shower all by myself gets me in the mood almost instantly haha!
My husband helping out around the house or with the kids.
A relaxing massage and lots of wine.
When the baby is sleeping after a relaxing day without any crying…
Seeing him clean the house or wash the dishes or play with the kids…
when my hubby is extra thoughtful or does something without being asked LoL
The best is being rested and then able to take a long shower!
Being relaxed.
in general, helping me out with the baby during the day without being asked!
A good night’s sleep and my husband helping out with our little one. (:
What puts me in the mood is both kids in bed asleep, the house clean, and I’m still awake! Lol
When my husband cleans the house without me asking or helps extra with the kids so I can relax is what puts me in the mood!
Alcohol, a hot shower, and a lock on my bedroom door!
Time and touch (not necessarily sensual)
My husband offering to help with with things around the house- dishes, laundry, or cleaning the bathroom!! 🙂
thank you for this.. really! Gives me hope 🙂
Touch
It differs for me. I have PCOS so when my hormones are in alignment backrubs, cuddling, pron movies, ext work wonders. But when I’m all wacked out hubby can try everything and still nothing works! Poor man :/
My hubby puts me in the mood when he makes our little one laugh out loud and gets down on the floor to play like a total goof ball with him. Also when he takes the initiative to put him to sleep (as it often has to be me nursing him) and when he puts the diapers in the dryer and then folds them and puts them away without me realizing. 🙂
A nice back rub from my husband!
nothing right now 🙁 7weeks PP and still healing
A really good passionate kiss…
I don’t like to plan. I love when he surprises me and reaches across the bed to caress me.
Everything you said in #10, 14, & 16
I get in the mood when my husband kisses me and gives me compliments.
Getting sleep and feeling like an equal partner-when my hubby takes time to do things I would normally do.
A sleeping baby and back massage
When he makes me laugh.
What puts me in the mood is when the kids are in bed and I have time to unwind.
Take it slow. Use lots of lube and plenty of foreplay. Have fun together.
I cant wait for the mommycon event we have our tickets and am looking forward to this topic.
Intimacy prior to actually sex is what helps keep our marriage interesting.
I haven´t really had a baby yet to share tips, but I love reading what other people say so I can be prepared and would assume that good communication is the key. I am lucky that I have a very understanding and loving husband who gets creative and we always enjoy ourselves and I am sure that will be until we get so old we can barely move, lol. (I HOPE) Great blog post.
Oh by the way, what sets us in mood is the music. Somehow it is always the music and joking around earlier. We are a goofy couple and I guess that´s part of why we love each other so much.
First time mom here, due in May. It’s helpful to hear these tips now! Than you for sharing, ladies!
Wine and low lighting.
A good night’s sleep
When my hubby takes me out for a date and I’m not distracted with other stuff we need to do at home
Sleep!
I’m not totally sure of this, I do like when my hubs makes intriguing comments & cute/sexy glances 🙂
#7 is a big one for me – never thought I’d say it but having the dishes done and a clean-ish house helps me get in the mood.
My husband puts me in the mood, ear nibbles are the best!!
A nice back massage.
Still working on getting our “adult” lives back but I guess we figured it out enough as baby #2 is due in July.
Dancing!
having time when i know there won’t be a kid interrupting us… like when i put on a movie for them 😉
Having had enough time to myself to unwind and relax.
What puts me in the mood is when I am allowed to have a nap and a shower alone.
Finding some “me” time or getting to catch up on sleep. Then a sleeping baby – and anytime I get to relax and affection like a massage.
being relaxed and not being asked for it
Being well rested? I’d say it doesn’t so much put me in the mood as facilitate being in one, but essential nonetheless.
Sleep!
My husband is amazingly supportive. Usually post him changing her after a good nursing time is when the baby is happy and swings herself to sweet while we do our married people stuff. My tip? ALWAYS love on your husband for the being the amazing dad he is. Most any man can father a child only the amazing ones are dads.
Good kiss and the right touch.
Sleep! When I am too tired I just can’t get in the mood.
In the mood….nice massage and kisses!
Warm bath, glass of wine, patience and taking it slow.
My significant other and I are very open about sex. I’m turned on by a bit of verbal sexual aggression. I like that he’ll come in the room and just tell me that he wants it right then and there, honestly, I usually want it just as bad!
What puts me in the mood? A foot massage!
Having a supportive partner
His smile
having him getting up to the baby at night helps to catch up on your rest
Just being with my husband and knowing he works so hard to provide for our family and to make me happy.
Space, no one touching me for a while, and a little help with my miles-long to-do list.
Kids in bed and kisses on the neck
A kind gesture (putting the babies to bed while I take some time to relax, comes to mind!) always puts me in the mood!
Just being cleaned, showered, and well rested.
I think what does the most is getting some quiet time!
When my husband helps with dishes and housework!
A back rub
kids asleep, hubby not!
What puts me in the mood is sleeping baby and a glass of wine!
Flirting and affection.
A good nights rest & the time to relax.
a little extra attention/affection, cuddling without the expectation of sex goes a long way for me.
When my husband comes be hind me and just little tockes my neck and arm
Good ol’ fashion kissing puts me in the mood. Even when I think I’m too tired, or not in the mood. He starts kissing on me and doesn’t stop and bam! I’m ready to go!
I tend to get in the mood when the hubby helps around the house and with the baby and makes me feel appreciated
My husband making an extra effort to be sweet or help me with the kids, around the house, etc. puts me in the mood
Flirting! Thanks for the chance to win 🙂
Having some time to myself before sex.
I wish I knew. It’s a rough thing for us right now.
Don’t know yet… 🙂
What puts me in the mood is when my husband compliments me.
When my husband spends time with the kids, helps me out around the house without me feeling like I have to nah him to take out the trash, and when he flirts with me.
A massage these days turns up the heat!
I get in the mood when my husband tells me he loves me and just hugs me with out asking for something in return!
What turns me on, other than my husband helping out at home, is reading erotica. I’ve got to imagine sexy things to help get in the mood.
A good nights sleep, a quiet house,baby sleeping deeply!!!
Make time for each other. Go on a date atleast once a month to get your alone adult time with each other.
Time! Energy! Kids sleeping!
Great
A little foreplay always puts me in the mood!
These days, sleep!
Getting help around the house. When I’m happy and not so tired, I’m ready to go!
I am so glad you touched on people forcing their significant others. I have not ever experienced that with my husband but have in the past and I cannot imagine it after a baby.
Hormone surge with 3rd trimester so pretty much everything hubby does lol
I am in the mood when I am not tired…lol…so if I can fit in a small nap during the day to be rested that helps! 🙂
Flirting, sexy texts, etc really help me know my husband is in the mood and helps me be there too.
Honestly, it is best for me if my husband is in the mood during the day, before I’m exhausted during our baby’s daytime nap. We are working on trying to get on a more similar schedule, which is hard during his last semester before graduating. We are doing pretty well, as long as we don’t procrastinate.. lol.
Love this article, I am definitely going to use these ideas. Unfortunately I don’t have any tips of my own as this has been a great struggle for me and my husband ;(
The tip I liked most however is that one needs to realize that availability is not what it once was!!
a sleeping baby
LOTS of flirting is definitely a big turn-on for me. Also sexy kisses on the back of the neck. 🙂
My husband.period. he is wonderful at this.
Foreplay
Kissing always does the trick
massages!
what puts me in the mood — simple sweetness.. brush my hair out of my face, back rub any kind of contact 🙂 although most of the time you just fit it in when you can! lol 🙂
Seeing my husband in super sweet “daddy mode” definitely turns me on lol. Like when he is rocking a baby and singing lullabies?!? Swoon.
Currently, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I get pissed when DH even wants anything. If it’s more than a hug, I don’t want anything to do with it… including kisses. Poor guy.
My husband puts me in the mood
Not being exhausted and having time to romance novels.
Snuggles with my hubby!
A nice relaxing massage from my partner does the trick.
Right now? Nothing, sadly. Though being silly and laughing with my husband works better than anything, typically. =)
Talking about it for as long as possible and what we want seems to do the trick 🙂
What puts me in the mood? Ugh, not much at nearly 32 weeks pregnant these days! A nice back rub and a clean house that wasn’t cleaned by me would probably be his ideal place to start, if I want to sound like a cliche though.
Sharing quiet time with my husband that is filled with sweet, soft, and gentle caressing does it for me.
Being well rested and not stressed puts me in the mood
Insomnia puts me in the mood 😛
Deleting stress- clean house, a sleeping baby, time to think and be alone for a few minutes
I agree you can’t force it. I feel like after our first I had a hard time being comfortable with my bodies changes but now after 3 kids we have the best sex life we have ever had.
Go very very slow after,and lots of lubrication 🙂
great article! We are expecting our first in a few short weeks and this is something that we’ve talked about a lot. Thanks for the tips and advice!
Patience
Kissing
Sometimes just a nice relaxing day together is enough!
Alone time with my husband. It’s very hard to get when he works nights.
Great tips! Flirting all day is great for us!
Time together!
A night out.
Hehe wine 😉
I’m most excited about the cosleeper and the milkmakers!!
When my husband shows me how sexy he thinks I still am
I think some of the great answers such as sleep and wine are exactly what I’d need!
Gentle loving kisses <3
Help with the baby. Help clean up. Give me a massage. Make me feel loved. Pick one!
Touching without the expectation of lovin’
To be in the mood I need the kids in bed quick and the baby asleep and I have to NOT be exhausted. Seriously that’s all I need. Haha
My sexy husband puts me in the mood…always!!
Flirting! My favorite thing is flirting with my husband all day, just little things, and then finally getting to be with him at the end of the day. The build up makes it fun 🙂
Feeling like a women and not a SAHM in pajamas. A nice date out with no kids.
A good massage after a hot bath.
I am about 10months PP and have gotten almost my full libido back, so it can be anything small like a kiss in the right spot to get me ‘there’.
All of these! It always helps!
Just being relaxed and having some time
Good post! Give us all a little bit of hope 🙂
What puts me in the mood? When he tries to woo me. Flirting, touch, and alone time go a long way with me!
Going slow. Foreplay. Laughing. Enjoying each other’s comment and really being in the moment. Ooh la la! 😉
when he compliments me, or when baby is sleeping and we can just lay together and kiss
I get in the mood when the house is clean and the kids are happily playing together, even better if hubby helped me make that happen
Definitely flirting throughout the day. It’s the best!!
Having a husband who is a true partner.
Just having enough sleep.
Having a shower and a good night’s sleep definitely helps. Not having little ones trying to share our bed makes it even better.
What puts me in a mood is when I feel sexy about myself and when i put sexy lingerie under the clothes
We’ve struggled after our second baby. He’s 5.5 months now, and I still have a hard time giving myself to my husband. (My hormones/emotions are a lot more jumbled than with our first.) One thing that is pretty necessary for me right now, is him starting the foreplay and being patient.
a back rub, especially when given just because with no expectations
Snuggling with out sexy touching,making out and or just spending actual time together with no technology!
Feeling understood, heard
When he tells me how sexy he thinks I am.
drinking a glass of wine really helps me not be so concerned about all the other things going on around thehouse
Full body massage.
When he helps around the house and gives me much needed time to decompress.
When my husband is being really sweet!!! 🙂
Having the hubby go above and beyond in little ways (like bring home dinner without me asking or running out the trash/recycling).
And all this time I thought I was alone on this
Wine, but only when very well rested and when I’m nice n smooth, legs shaved etc. lol
my husband
A nice scalp massage… My favorite!
My hubby spending time with our boys, bonus if it’s so I can rest or do something I enjoy.
Wine and chocolate is always nice!!
Massage from my husband and wine.
When I’m not tired or stressed! So a break helps!
I’m still at the point where all my husband has to do is walk into a room, crack a smile and I’m already melting.
newly weds (:
Knowing that my partner loves me and is “with” me.
Having quiet time together after the kids are in bed and also flirting during the day and during the madness of getting home, cleaning up, cooking dinner, playing with the kids and the bedtime routine. Knowing we will have some fun after we make it through. )If we make it through awake that is! 😉 )
We struggled before baby. She’s 9 mos old and we have yet to be physical again. What turns me on is when he turns off his anxiety and work-mind, showing me his gooey feelings and being vulnerable. Hopefully, we’ll find a balance and time and connection we need to get busy. Whee!
A massage always works
Sounds weird but a nice quit night that is stress free calms me down and that’s when I can get in the mood
When my husband is really in the mood 🙂 that means he really wants me
When the baby is asleep and the house is semi-clean!
Him being present. He’s great at playing with the kids, but usually shuts off emotionally at the end of the day.
When my husband compliments me in general and also on my mothering of our son !!
spending time together connecting.
I need sweet touches during the day to help me get in the mood. Then once the kids are sleeping, we can focus on each other.
When my husband helps with housework/laundry/cooking! It is such a relief to be reminded that I am not in this alone!
Spend time alone with my hubby
Both babies sleeping while my hubs is home!
a good night’s sleep and a shower with no one banging on the door 🙂
What puts me in the mood? It varies day to day, but one thing that will usually do it is knowing that he’s in the mood… a touch, smile, comment from him to let me know he’s interested.
A glass or two of wine, and a sweet massage from hubby help me out 🙂
A clean house and a happy baby!
Helping my wife put lotion on. A great massage.
Some wine and getting my back scratched
Dirty talking and an all over massage do the trick for me, especially when combined
When my husband is supportive, affectionate and loving I’m in the mood. 🙂
naptime! haha no seriously. knowing that my husband is still attracted to me and that we have uninterrupted time to enjoy each other can put me in the mood instantly…. unless im in ‘DO’ mode, then it takes a backrub!
Honestly, I’m pretty much always in the mood. I’ve always had a very healthy libido, but I also have nearly zero self-esteem so it is hard for me to express my feelings. And my husband and I tend to be slightly out of sync with our drives and that has been made worse by having children because of timing issues. That and my deep and controlling fear that I’m just, for lack of a better way to put it, not good at it. :/
It was hard to get used to keeping my mind off baby!
I’m not really sure. Sometimes it just happens. Sometimes its just when he’s being really nice.
A good night’s sleep is more likely to put me in the mood than a long day with the kids.
A night of good sleep. 🙂
Hugs, cuddles, and feeling like I’ve been a supportive wife can all put me in the mood.
My husband and I have been struggling with this lately. What I have found helps is to just stop stressing and bugging each other about it and let it happen naturally. It is much more enjoyable.
Wine 😉
Laughing with my husband puts me in the mood.
Not being afraid. I need to talk myself into it at first bc I am still uncomfortable after giving birth.
Cuddling and spending alone time with my husband is turn on enough!
I think wine helps lol.. But flirting and help around the house also helps.
Usually something steamy on tv after a good day together
Figuring out what time works for you and your husband. If things get started at night and one is too tired, rest and try again in the morning before baby gets up! It makes it easier when you’re both ready and rested.
When he does the dishes and cleans the house for me 🙂
Flirting and communication are huge! Going and sitting on the couch to watch tv while I take care of our daughter definitely would not help things!
Definitely feel rested, and not stressed.
Cuddling, laughing together.
There is this certain look my hubby gets when he looks at me..it gets me going every time!
Thank you for impatience and forcing!! I’ve been told that you should just do it too but never understood that. Also like that comment about using coconut oil! 😉
I’m in the mood when my husband helps around the house and with our son, so I’m not completely exhausted 🙂 We also try and have a sense of humor about everything.
A hot bath & a long massage. ❤️
A passionate kiss. Always gets me in the mood.
Honestly, attention from my husband. “How was your day?” can go a long way, since most conversations are about money, kids, schedules, his job, etc…
Getting date nights again (after 4mos postpartum) has really helped us get into the mood. Having fun and laughing together!
What puts me in the mood would be my husband making me feel beautiful.
Being wanted and him wanting to give me a massage and just wanting to make me feel good.
Love the article. Patience was what helped us.
Quality time .
A clean house puts me in the mood! I’ll settle for a clean room though… lol
My favorite is masturbation! So many people feel awkward about this topic, but it’s helped my boyfriend and I a lot since he is gone most of the time.
So many great points, Leaky B@@b!! I second the comment above about lube in general and coconut oil specifically (unless condoms are your go-to birth control method…. DO NOT use coconut oil in that case!!). Sex after babies has certainly been a challenge for us, and we’re still working on it. Intentionality and space have been the number 1 helps in that arena.
A glass of wine and a good back rub go a looooong way.
having 15 minutes to myself in the shower first. Mostly to relax and think about my husband. Its a transition from being mom all day.
Good idea
Good sleep, back rub, being silly together.
When he helps with house work. LOL!
A clean house 🙂
When I get helped around the house or told thank you. It doesn’t take much.
what puts me in the mood is flirtation and foreplay.
I really enjoy when my husband and I flirt throughout the day, which may or may not end up leading to sex but more often than not it does. I think it helps build up that anticipation for each other over the course of the day so when you actually get the time to be with one another you can’t keep your hands off of each other.
reliable birth control
When the baby is asleep, the house is clean and my husband and I are snuggled on the couch watching a movie <3
There’s something sexy about a serious man… or when he helps with housework it definitely gets me in the mood!
When my hubby is super sweet with our daughter and spends quality time with her
My trusty vibrator. Humor. Patience. In order of importance for us in sex after baby. Always takes the edge off especially when interrupted by a stirring baby.
My husband helping with our little girl, doing dishes or laundry etc!
When I come home from work and the house is clean and dinner is made puts me in the mood for sure!
Coconut oil, wine, and having hubby help me with the kids. That way we both have a little energy at the end of the day.
I find my husband the sexiest when he is helping me with things around the house so that I can focus on the kids.
I am in my third trimester and my libido is in over drive…. (weird i know!) so pretty much anything. especially when he cleans or helps with the kids. 🙂
Idk.. I’m m 24 weeks with baby #3 and have no drive I feel so distant..
Plan ahead! It can be sexy and give you something to look forward to all day long.
Him helping around the house when its needed most. Or keeping the kids out of my haor ao I can finish dinner.
No housework hanging over my head and some heavy petting from the hubby.
Being in a relaxed state of mind.
My tip is be gentle with yourself; don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t go according to plan the first few times. Just enjoy the closeness with your partner and let that time be a relaxing, emotionally and romantically recharging and reconnecting time, sex or not.
What helps for me is when he is really “in the moment” with our son. I find him more and more attractive when he is simply being a good father.
What puts me in the mood? When my hubby acts super lovey and affectionate!!
The sweet touch of my amazing husband.
A hot shower (alone) and a back rub
I have a 6month old and have found it very difficult to plan ahead. Sex before our baby was frequent and spontaneous . . . Now it almost seems forced. Great points on finding time apart. I think that would be a benefit in any relationship.
feeling rested, relaxed and ovulation helps!
Flirting definitely helps! Sending each other steamy texts all day gets us ready for the night time. 🙂
Cuddling! And a surprise passionate kiss in the middle of the night.
Coconut oil!! Best sex tip out there.
When my husband plays with our boys it warms my heart and reminds me why I fell in love with him to begin with. This makes me wanna jump him and try for baby number 3 lol
a massage!
A glass of wine and time alone together to snuggle on the couch
When he helps put the kids to bed
Go to bed early! Then you don’t feel rushed and can really enjoy each other without sacrificing sleep! And find a good sitter early on. Nothing beats making out in your car in the parking lot after dinner out!
Quality time alone with my husband always works for me. We are going to need to find a way to keep up the date nights after this baby is born!
Thank you for posting this. I was very disillusioned to what sex would be like after baby. We’re still working on making it work with a soon to be 11 month old.
Wineeee and a good laugh before sex, helps me gee into mood
carriers!!!
Chores done (dishes, laundry, etc.) and babies asleep usually works….and quality time with the hubs! 🙂
When my husband cleans so I don’t have to when I get home!
Thanks for the tips!
I’m the most turned on when we are just close and there’s no glow from his phone lighting up the room…
I feel horrible because I never want sex =(
Nothing! I have no tips lol. Sex was awful for me until I stopped breastfeeding at 14 months. Hoping it’ll be different next time.
When I really think bout it, what puts me in the mood is when we’re laughing together. I love it when we’re both being silly, joking about similar things, and being goofy. In those moments, I feel like we are so connected – we are enjoying the world together, making inside jokes, truly forming bonds. Those are the moments where it’s so easy to just fall into a kiss which turns into a make out session which leads to…maybe baby number two! 🙂
Having a husband who loves and appreciates my postpartum body.
After 6 kids, I think the most important thing is to have a sense of humor!
Sleep, lol!
Being able to REALLY relax, so even just sleeping in!
I’m usually too tired to be turned on…
After I’ve had a nice long shower and the hubby gives me a nice long rub down. That usually does the trick.
When my fiance takes over and I get to take a nice long bath and pretty myself up puts me in the mood (:
True one on one time is what I need especially since it is so rare with kids around.
Usually days when my husband has been especially helpful around the house or with the kids. Something about feeling that support and equality in our partnership 🙂
Laughter.
A clean house! Stress free= sexy!
A gentle caress and a whisper in my ear can get me going!
An unexpected back rub from my partner to e ase the tensio of the day
A helpful husband 🙂
First a good night rest if possible. Cuddling and touching.
Affection thoughout the day
What gets me in the mood can differ from time to time. Sometime it isn’t much…just a touch and a kiss. But other times it takes him running a bath for me and a message.
So many things resonated with me. Shame, stress, expectation, intentionality, flirting, breaks, time alone. Wow.
Kisses and sleeping children!
Be honest about your feelings.
Peace and quiet!
When he looks at me! I know that I am loved, adored and supported. It turns me on 🙂
The point on stress is very true. That is why working out and being active puts me in the mood. It helps me release stress and I feel happier and sexier!
My husband was so patient after our first, he even wanted to wait the extra week (7) to make it special because it fell on Valentines day… We have a sense of humor about sex and sometimes end up cracking up in the middle. Also we co sleep with our 22 mo old and I FINALLY decided to put his (yet unused) crib between our bed and the wall with the side off, so now we just scoot him over after he falls asleep… 🙂 Patience, time, humor and sleepy kids… 🙂 Hubby doing housework while I nurse is a huge plus too!
Feeling appreciated and beautiful puts me in the mood.
Help with anything! Dinner, lunches fir the next day, getting the kids bathed and into bed, reading to our daughter. Anything to help with the stress of the evening routine!
Patience (him), humor, hubby helping around the house, and time alone together
Not a lot puts me in the mood these days – 10 month old and 2.5 year old are both very attached to me right now so I’m exhausted & touched out almost always. But – my “love language” is physical touch and I know that I’ll feel more connected afterwards, so…
Hmmm…when you have a toddler who bedshares…probably a free bed and a little foot massage could help get the party started!!
When my husband cleans it gets me in the mood, lol
great article. at this point nothing turns me on lol hope that will change soon
When DH sees where I need assistance in something and takes over without my mentioning it. HUGE turn on.
When I don’t have to worry about the house/ kids etc
Nothing seems to these days 🙁
Sleep, sleep, sleep 🙂 Even if it’s just an extra 15 minutes; a longer nap can do wonders! And humor, I love it when my partner makes me laugh, especially at times when I am the most stressed, middle-of-a-temper-tantrum while I am cleaning and cooking at the same time worrying about work and bills–he can make that all go away for a bit 🙂
Not much at 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. I’m looking forward to wanting it again in the near(ish) future!
I honestly don’t know, but husband does no matter how I’m feeling & it amazes me!
My husband helping around the house !
What puts me in the mood is getting help around the house!
cuddling and sweet compliments
Honestly? At this point I’m so sleep deprived nothing puts me in the mood. I’m so exhausted my health had suffered and sex isn’t even on the list of things I want to do.
When the house is semi clean, I’ve been payed attention to by my husband ( talking, kissing, touching, etc), the kids are asleep, and don’t hurt or feel sick, then I’m ready for anything.
full nights sleep, help cleaning/cooking/child rearing
Cuddling being intimate without expectations
The only way I’m having sex with my fiance now that our son is here is if he uses a condom or I find a good birth control method!!
Biggest tip that works for me is to keep flirting and honest and open communication. As long as both parties are open and accepting of eachother’s needs and position and work together to support meeting those needs everybody wins.
Having him help with kids or watching him cook dinner. Then hanging out and being close to each other on the couch after everyone else has gone to bed.
This was really helpful for me, thanks for writing it.
Spending quality time together !
Being well rested – if you’re too tired to think about sex, then you’re too tired to enjoy it.
I use a lot of excuses I like how you said not to hide behind them
These days? Sleep and relief from baby duties. And his cute smile 🙂
Good sleep always puts me in the mood
It’s the little things throughout each day that get me in the mood. Touches, kisses, laughter, teamwork, etc… 🙂
My husband made it clear that he expected sex the very moment I got home from my six-week checkup. It kind of killed my enjoyment of it, to have the demand be so high.
Snuggling- and getting enough sleep! (Or, let’s face it, any sleep.)
Best turn on is a foot rub before bed, then him grabbing the scrubby from me in the shower. That’ll do it every time.
My tip would be to take care of yourself, and feel pretty and sexy again. You need it and deserve it. I know when I haven’t rested and haven’t looked my best, I feel gross and I don’t want to be touched. Pamper yourself or buy some new clothes, workout, just anything that will make you feel great again. Don’t let yourself go just because you have kids and have a busy schedule.
A clean house 😉
Getting enough sleep and flirting with each other.
Patience patience patience
Sleep haha
Date night
The dishes done and a sleeping baby.
My idea of a good time these days if sitting on the potty till I run out of lives on candy crush and then taking a hot shower till I run out of hot water. Lol. Hubby knows nothing puts me in the mood quite like a clean kitchen and a folded load of laundry. :o)
Touching throughout the day.
my tip is to take things slow. And to tell your partner was is comfortable and what hurts
Nothing! I wish it did
For me, getting in the mood is as simple as an innocent gesture from my SO such as a random hug or kiss, in addition to watching how good of a parent he is.
Lately it has been the way my husband looks at me and the way he touches me, makes us both feel like pre babies us
Lately nothing…. but being more emotionally connected usually puts me more in the mood
When my husband does things for me or it appears that he’s thinking about me.
I don’t have any tips but this really helped me understand a few things & I am forwarding to my husband as well.
imbalance is a HUGE problem for us, thanks for all the encouraging words! I am due in 3 weeks with #2, but wasn’t with hubs when I had #1 so this is a whole new land for me.
enough sleep!
Quality time together!
When the hubs helps out, and tells me I’m beautiful
Random touches throughout the day.
What puts me in the mood? The husband being sweet and playing with the baby or helping out! Haha
When my husband takes care of the LO on a Saturday morning and let’s me sleep a little longer. Or when he does the dishes and laundry without being asked. That gets me happy 🙂
When I see my husband in his role as a father and enjoying his girls!
It’s good to know we’re not the only one!
it helped to make our own special space since baby is in our bed. we used the second bedroom – there is a mattress on the floor, put on clean red sheets, candles, warm blankets, favorite books, etc things that make you feel happy and sexy. we can go in there together and have ‘dates’ on the rare occasion baby will actually stay asleep without us. a shared bottle of wine, talking, massage, and coconut oil!
A back-rub, cuddling, or just a good conversation; it doesn’t hurt when he is extremely helpful around the house and with the kids!
Humor usually gets us going! We can’t take ourselves too seriously.
When my husband helps around the house.
just seeing my hubby on the weekends after no contact Monday-Friday (due to the academy)..
I think it’s important to remember that even though you may think your body is “different” (it is) or not appealing anymore, your husband sees YOU and NAKED and doesn’t care about any of that other stuff. He loves YOU.
one glass of wine
Go to bed at the same time.
When my hubby loves on our children and does things around the house to help us out. Nothing sexier then a man doing dishes, changing diapers and helping with homework!!
When I can tell my hubby is in the mood- it really puts me in the mood…
Communication- that’s important 😉
Spending a quite evening at dinner is awesome.
Fail proof way to get me in the mood: a meal and drink that I didn’t have to plan or cook and the time/ability to eat it all myself (instead of sharing everything on my plate with little mouths). Throw in a little adult conversation and watch out!
Thoughtful gestures.
a clean house, not expecting it, baby sleeping in her own room or at gma’s
I love when my partner helps around the house. I also love the little touches in between our busy life, like the hand squeezes, when he rubs my back, or sneaks a kiss.
Being relaxed, general sense of being needed
What puts me in the mood is some well needed relaxtion.
Before I can even think about sex, I really need to have enough rest and not be stressed out. It can be hard to find times when these criteria are both met!
what puts me in the mood is a clean house, and my husband being willing to help clean/maintain that house. it also puts me in the modd when he plays with our daughter- he’s so great with her!
Flirting and being well rested!
Best post-baby advice… it’s not JUST about communication, be SPECIFIC with communication during sex. Things are definitely way different and if things are uncomfortable say so specifically: include the where and what of the ‘that’s not working just yet’ part of the post-baby sex.
When daddy babywears
Feeling rested.
a drink or two and a quiet house (and an easy bedtime)
stealing kisses while the kids are playing
What puts me in the mood is my husband allowing me to feel rested and him doing things for me that make me fall in love with him again.
Be patient and have no expectations.
Shower, clean house, sleeping kiddo, compliment
Watching my husband play with our daughter & just be a good dad, thats a huge turn on. A handsome man being a good father; there’s nothing sexier than that!
“What puts you in the mood?”
Him making an effort to be there for me and my LO.
“What puts you in the mood?”
When he makes an effort and is there for me. He helps even though he is so tiered.
Seeing my husband do things around the house without me needing to ask or mention it 30 million times.
Having a good day, and being in a great mood.
Thanks ms. Weber for the frank and honest blog. Thank goodness someone is willing to take the taboo out of this! As for me, we’re on the sick-after-daycare stage so what turns me on is feeling better. It’s all a stage – that’s my mantra right now.
a nice hot bath and a back/arm/leg rub. yep and that all it takes!!! lol
Honestly, a good strong drink after baby is in bed!
I agree about the “taking one for the team”. I feel you should help them understand because if you just do it & you hurt yourself, you could resent them.
Quality time alone with my husband always puts me in the mood. Too bad it is so hard to come by after kids!
Spending time together.
When my husband shows desire for me. I get so self conscious about my post baby body, but when he shows his attration for me…it’s on!
A clean home!
I have found this time around I am just more in the mood. I am not really sure what it is but it’s been great better than before
I can get into the mood when my husband is sweet and affectionate just to be sweet and affectionate!
After I had my daughter I was single so sex immediately wasn’t really an option and I loved that. So I suggest time. Give it time, take it slow, let your body heal and become a new body that’s functioning a little differently than it ever has.. You don’t have to rush into sex because the doctor said you can after x weeks. Most drs say 6 weeks.. I bled for 7. No thanks!
Booze – it’s nice and relaxing.
What puts me in the mood is having my husband help me around the house throughout the day without me asking.
A good massage!
A clean house and a sleeping baby!
nothing
When I get to have some me time…a nice long shower or a bath.
Thanks for your posts. It’s a good reminder that life doesn’t have to completely revolve around kids.
Alcohol usually does the trick.
My husband!
A good night of rest and alone time with my husband is the magic combination for us. My husband is even sexier now that he’s a dad of two!
Wine.
Knowing that sex involves “me time” for once. A chance to be a little selfish.
having my husband come home early and give me a break!!
I think it’s important to take it slow. There are a lot of emotions involved after having a baby. The desire to have sex needs to be mutual.
Oh and what puts me in a better mood? A clean house and a sleeping baby! 🙂
Flirting!
get in the shower together
We are struggling, this was helpful.
A nice back rub always gets me in the mood
Spontaneity!
Flirting and special attention from my husband. He always says that I look beautiful, but when he puts the extra effort forth to hold my hand, cuddle, pinch my butt, etc that gets me more in the mood than a clean house or him doing chores. However, when he wears our baby in the baby carrier I have to say there is nothing more sexy than a daddy with a baby in the baby wrap!
Flirting with my husband and making out put me in the mood!
Communication is key! and knowing there isnt any cleaning haunting me so that I can enjoy!
It may sound silly but one of the things that really puts me in the mood is watching my husband play with our sons. Seeing what a great father he is always makes me want to show him how much I appreciate him once the kids are asleep.
Honestly, as a stay at home, full time student, homeschooling momma of four, an uninterrupted shower does me a lot of good. As a mother, there are a lot of emotional and physical demands throughout the day. To have a good twenty minutes alone for self care if very helpful and healthy in transitioning from momma mode to a lover.
Having my husband do a chore I usually do so I can take a long shower does wonders to put me in the mood
Taking it slow and steady is key. It can be scary, especially if you had a difficult natural birth, but totally worth rekindling that connection with your loved one. Do not feel pressure to go back to really passionate or rough sex. Take it easy and it will hopefully be a beautiful return to lovemaking 🙂
Great article! Hoping to try some of these.
The biggest turn on was when my hubby came to pick me up from work (at a gym) and he had been working out.
One of my favorite things is when my husband tells me how beautiful I am. Especially since I’m pregnant with our second and feeling (and looking) exhausted.
Having a clean house, less clutter equals less stress equals in the mood. Double points if the husband did the cleaning 🙂
Getting enough sleep!
my hubby being overly affectionate once the kids are asleep always gets me in the mood
When my husband offers to rub my back, we laugh and reconnect after a long day, and when he acts like his silly self 🙂
This is something we still struggle with 18+ months after baby. Making time to flirt and be playful is so important!
a gentle touch, caress, kiss
Back massages on demand!!!
I love spending time alone with my husband ( and that doesn’t happen very often with two littles) these are great tips! and I believe our children thrive having a mommy and daddy who love each other and love spending time with each other!
A back massage!
When my husband is really thoughtful and compassionate towards me- that is a huge turn on.
It turns me on when my husband puts on cologne, a movie, and does things for me so I don’t have to worry about them. Then we’ll cuddle during the movie and often times, it leads to other things! 🙂
Quiet and alone time with the hubby. (sounds a lot easier than it is!)
The Hubs gets me in the mood by being romantic and supportive by being reassuring of my mothering skills.
much needed quiet time
Just some alone time with my husband!
What puts me in the mood? Compliments and time alone. I spend all day being touched, either by one of my older kids or by my newborn. When hubby comes home, I unwind by spending some time NOT being touched, yelled at, cried to, or otherwise needed. Then I come out and hubby says something like “I like that shirt” in a flirty tone, and it makes me love him. I don’t think I could before I get the time alone, because I feel so gross and exhausted, but I love the time with him after the break.
Hubby helping around the house and/or letting me sleep in as well as making me feel wanted all day rather than just when he wants something.
CLEANING!!!!
Communication. If something is bugging me or on my mind, it’s impossible to get in the mood.
When I get compliments all day even though I KNOW my body is different now. Also make out sessions!
And I am MUCH more likely to be in the mood if I’ve had help with the baby during the day– I’m not as exhausted or grumpy.
Quality time with the boyfriend! Flirting!
Watching my husband grow into a strong, loving parent over the past year does it for me! It’s been an amazing transformation.
It’s ok to take the baby to grandma and grandpa’s and then just go home and be!
LOTS of foreplay!! Before that, if I get time to myself to have a bubble bath or just sit and read, I am much more likely to want to start things.
What doesn’t? That’s the real question:)
Seeing my husband play and interact with our children. And flirting. THAT will definitely put me in the mood!
Getting to bed early!
date nights and wine
Being wanted and just being close to my partner is all takes right now.
Believe it or not, getting a decent night’s sleep. Seriously. I’m chronically exhausted, so it’s hard to get into things when by the time I lay down I’m too tired to move, so enough sleep actually does help me get into the mood.
Having my hair played with
Honestly just cuddling in bed at night and having some adult conversation goes a long way toward putting me in the mood.
Wine always helps….flirting; my husband overtime to flirt, compliment and do my favorite things (such as massage) before we head to bed.
Lube, lots!
Be Patient with yourself
Wine + Coconut Oil + Chores done = Sexy time
Puts me in the mood? Seeing my husband do something altogether manly or somethign showing his taking care of me/our kids.
Wine. And time. We used to be every day people, now the few days inbetween build tension 😉
Not having to make the first move puts me in the mood!
My tip is to make sure you’re 100% ready and just stay as physical as you can be until then!