This ad was banned in Australia challenging adults that children see and do what adults do. I think it’s too bad it was banned, the message is one we need and the underlying issues ones that our shiny little worlds need to be rattled to explore but I can understand not wanting this played on network television.
We are the models for children, for positive or negative, adults have influence, particularly parents. How many times when I see my child behaving in a way that I find problematic do I discover upon a moment of introspection that they are behaving in a manner I demonstrated? Far too many.
When we learned our daughters were sexually abused we were introduced to the world of abuse, a cyclical world where often, the abused become abusers. As we waded into how to love and care for our daughters in a way that would help them heal and not become a part of that cycle, we had to ask if our daughters’ abuser was abused. At 14, what he did to our girls at 3 and 5 was likely learned from somewhere and, unfortunately, it was likely from something that was done to him. Developing compassion for him was a part of our own healing, our own journey to help break a cycle that had grabbed our own daughters.
The abuse changed our parenting drastically. One of the first ways being how we handled ourselves, aware that our children were watching for their own healing. We stopped all forms of physical discipline (prior we spanked, did time out, and occasionally used soap to wash mouths) and went to work on ourselves, praying that as we did so our children would be ok. (We helped them work through things as well, family therapy, individual therapy, and community were crucial to our healing experience.) Working through our own issues was one of the healthiest things we could have done as parents. Honestly, it still is. We have come to see that broken people break people and we wanted to be whole even as we were helping our children find their own healing. Hurting people hurt people, working through our issues in pursuit of healing is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children and one of the most important steps we can take as parents.
Our children, your children, everybody’s children, deserve for the adults around them to pursue paths of healing. If hurting people hurt people, how can we not? But it’s not easy and it’s scary. Still, imagine what a gift it is for the next generation. It can start simple enough, what can you change today? What can you stop doing or what can you start doing that will be a step towards making a difference? Just one thing, maybe you don’t throw that can on the ground, maybe you take a deep breath before you yell at someone and find another way to express yourself that won’t be so damaging, maybe you choose to eat better for one meal, or any other myriad of possibilities. The point is, do something, change something, the children will notice.
I look at the adults in these ads that the children are copying and I see hurting people. People that need to be challenged and called out on their behavior but also people that need love, grace, and healing. Broken people.
People like me.
~Jessica
What do you think? Do you agree that this ad should be banned? How are you aware of your influence on children? What are you doing to help yourself work through your own issues? What motivated you to do so?
I just want to thank you both every day for being so honest and open about your lives. Thank you.
This brought me to tears! There is so much truth in what this commercial says; and what you wrote. This just made me realize how I need to change as a mom and as a human being. Thank you for this! Thank you for showing us the scary truth of our behavior!
We are struggling with some issues, a child in my 6 year olds class at school has been displaying some major behaviour issues, swearing, biting, hitting and inappropriate touching of his female classmates. He clearly is picking up these issues from somewhere, children don’t “just” behave like this, and having worker with children and families with issues, he’s either being abused or is in a difficult situation, I think. It’s hard for me to have my 6 year old come home telling me “x called me a c**t and told me to f**k off” or hear that he’s spent the day climbing under desks trying to touch the girls crotches and showing his penis to girls in the corridor. I want to protect her, and my first instinct is anger towards this child, and his parents or family, that he is behaving this way, but clearly the child needs help and I have to wonder what behaviours are being modelled to him at home, what kind of brokenness or damage he is seeing. It’s hard but I think compassion is important. The school are working on the situation, it isn’t going unnoticed or unchecked, they are trying to work with his family, to help them and him. I hope you don’t mind the use of those words in context, I have not written them in full. I was pretty shocked when she can’t home and told me, we try to moderate our language around our children, they aren’t pleasant words coming out of a child’s mouth!
Children do model what they see from the adults around them, good and bad. I suffer from anxiety and I can already see my 6 year old trying to deal with anxious feelings, and reacting like me, in certain situations! I think it’s a shame they’ve removed this video, did they have a reason?
Thank you for sharing. I being a child of molestation can totally understand where you are coming from. I had a family that did not deal well with what happened and did not support me through my ordeal. But also the community as a whole didn’t.
I was in primary school at the time, all of 8yo, after years of sexual abuse. I lost all my friends. I believe the children acted as their parents had reacted to the situation. I felt that everyone was whispering behind my back. The parents looked at me as tainted, and tried their best to protect their children. I believe in part this was due to their feelings toward the words sexual abuse, and also their thoughts of the abused becoming abusers.
This has all affected me well into adulthood as can be expected. Taking its toll on my trust of others and developing meaning relationships/friendships. And also my relationship with my child. This person that I loved so much, that I had made from a few cells and was a part of me.
I was so afraid that I would have this sudden desire to sexually abuse my son, that early on I withheld a lot of my affections. Afraid that this evil inside me might escape and force me to hurt the person I loved the most. But as I watched my husband and other parents love their child, I started to realise that I could show love to my child the way I truly wanted to. That I was not going to hurt this poor vulnerable person, because I loved him so much I would make every effort to protect him. Only then could I be comfortable holding him whilst he was naked, changing his nappies or bathing with him.
So I think yes there is this chance that the abused become abusers, but I think we need to change the culture and stigma surrounding it. It isn’t like you have no control, you make your choices. You will not suddenly wake up and feel its ok to do these things to another human being. So rather than looking at the victims as potential reoffenders, we need to help them to understand what happened and how it isn’t their fault. And how to behave and build meaningful relationships. That there are better ways to show your love for someone.
Horrible things can happen to people but they are the ones that make the final choices in their life. They can choose to follow in their abusers footsteps or let this tragedy affect the rest if their lives. Or they can look toward the future and how to make their lives better. How this one horrible part of their lives is not the focal point to what the rest of their lives will be. You can become whoever you want to be.
I know, I am a registered nurse with plans to become a midwife, happily married with a few close friends, a gorgeous son and new bub due in September.
So thanks again for sharing
xx
I do see how this ad can be controversial but so are a lot of other things that aren’t banned. Certainly better than some I’ve seen without such a good message. I would have liked to see a positive side to the commercial as well though like someone actually helping then the child following suit.
I really like this article, and as a parent with some of the same issues I’m wondering a few things. I don’t know if its to personal to share and if it is please just disregard my questions but I worry about the same thing happening to my girls and wonder how you found out? And if you have any pointers or suggestions on how to preemptively speak with children about abuse? Also wondering about the spanking thing? Does it tie in with prevention of abuse or was it because they had been hurt enough and you felt that spanking was too harsh? Do you have suggestions on alternatives? Also suggestions on “healing” when broken so as not to break?
With all the television shows containing sexual innuendos and downright crude topics, I’m saddened this was banned. I often find myself losing patience and near losing control, so this message is very important for many. Even those who haven’t suffered abuse, but loss can cause pain. Pain is the source of this behavior. Such a good message, it brought me to tears. Thank you for sharing it .
There is only so much we can protect our children from. Predation on a child by a child is something we least expect. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I may speak for many when I say that I follow your blogs and posts (all of them) and get something every time; whether it is support, a lesson, or a prick (more like a stab) of conscience.
/virtual hug
I too was sexually abused as a child. I am open about it and volunteer with a local sexual assault victims center as an on call advocate for victims. But the abuse was a big factor in how long it took me to decide to even have children of my own. My son is almost 9 months and I still worry that I made the wrong choice sometimes. Not because that I worry I will abuse him, but that I am too broken to be his mom. Or that the world is too broken. Thank you for talking about this issue. It helps so many people know its ok to talk about and to get help.