“This hurts me more than it hurts you.”
I never once believed this to be true when I would use a spanking or a hand slap to discipline my young children. I believe that dealing with the reality and implications of being hit is way more difficult and painful than the feelings associated with hitting someone else, especially when it comes to parents using corporal punishment with their own children. The parents have a huge advantage: they know why they’re inflicting pain on their kids. They’ve worked it out, be it based on logic, faith, principle, or rationalization (“I was spanked as a child and I turned out ok”). But the same can’t be said for the children receiving the punishment, no matter how much love you pre-charge into your hand before you deliver the blow.
Hitting just isn’t widely perceived or accepted as a way to communicate love.
I never saw a look of understanding and appreciation cross my 2 yr old’s face as I first explained why I was going to hit her, went through with it, and then cuddled her as she cried. I saw shock, pain, confusion, anger, resentment, defiance, and sadness, but never understanding or appreciation for the love that was behind it. Not even when my child would face the discipline with acceptance. That showed amazing inner strength, but not understanding. I figured out pretty quickly that the explaining I would do before disciplining my child was more for my benefit than hers; it reminded me why I was about to use my hand to strike her.
That reminder was necessary because I was never naturally comfortable with hitting my children. I am not a violent person, and it takes a lot to rile me up, but even when someone really gets my goat I refuse to use physical force to “solve” the situation. For one, I am honestly scared of the damage I could inflict on someone if I was ever to lose control – or use control – and really let loose on them. I am a big guy, and I’m strong, calculating and have very fast reflexes. At least I think I am, and I fear that I could cripple someone for life, or worse; I guess I just have too much respect for the value of human life. And two, and more importantly: I don’t believe that winning a physical fight solves anything; it may feel good to demonstrate who is stronger and get to say you won, but it doesn’t actually build anyone up, or lead to any kind of reconciliation.
Why would it be any different in a parent-child relationship?
No matter how many times I spanked my children I never felt right about it. No, I had to mentally prepare myself for it, remember the reasons behind it, and then I had to squelch my feelings about it and try to replace the cringe trying to creep onto my face with love and gentleness. But it’s hard to temporarily crush a feeling without temporarily becoming emotionless. I think I was always clear-headed, calm, and in control when I would spank my kids, but how accurate could that possibly be when I was filled with inner conflict while trying to stamp out the wrong feelings and attempting to ignore those big, trusting, uncomprehending eyes? Maybe it’s easier for most parents. Somehow I seriously doubt that. And really, should it be?
As I recall, it was when our second-born started regarding me with utter defiance and spite when we would sit down for the explanation before the spanking that I realized a parenting choice had to be made. In those moments, the only return I received for the loving physical punishment I inflicted was hate from our 2 yr old, and a growing feeling of distance and distrust between us, which also spread to her 4 yr old big sister who struggled to understand why we were treating her little sister that way. On top of that, it was clear that the only way to really control her would probably involve “breaking” her in some deep way. As uncomfortable as I was with lifting my hand against my children, the idea of somehow breaking my child was so horrifying to me that we just had to find another way. You don’t un-break a horse once it’s been broken in to live a life of subservience to humans. Is it really that different for a human? Jessica was already in that place, ready to find some other approach to rear our children.
Like countless others, I also approached corporal punishment with the attitude: “I turned out ok, so how bad can it be?” I have two main thoughts related to this. One: “turning out ok” is a terrible reason to justify an action. You can rationalize pretty much anything with that little phrase. I cheated on my exams but I didn’t get caught and it turned out ok, so what’s the harm? Or imagine a rapist using that as their excuse for raping someone, claiming that their victim turned out ok, so how bad can it be? Two: Did I turn out ok because I was spanked as a kid, or in spite of it? There are really three different outcomes that I can imagine as a result of being spanked: it somehow makes you a better person, it doesn’t affect you one way or another, or it harmed you in some fashion. Who can say definitively how it affected them in the long run? It could be that I am a good person for completely different reasons, like having two parents, living in the same house through my formative years, having loving parents, good friends, faith, religious/moral teaching, a good mentor, etc.
I don’t know if I would be a significantly different person today if my parents never spanked me, but I am sure that we would have a very different relationship now. Here’s why: when you decide not to use corporal punishment with your children, this single decision will affect your entire relationship with them. When you remove the option to control them through physical demonstrations of superior strength, your entire approach to parenting changes. Your way of relating to your children changes. And along the way, you learn humility, and patience, and that your children are not wild beasts that need a cattle prod or other instrument to control them, but real people. Little people, young people, inexperienced, immature and fragile, yes, but also strong, and smart, and incredibly clever, vibrant and full of promise, adults-to-be, future equals to you, and in so many ways equals to you even now. They are but another human being like yourself, needing acceptance and love, looking for direction, and deserving the same respect as any other human being.
I’m not saying that parents that spank don’t love their children.
I am saying that the choice I made to stop using corporal punishment with my children has freed me up to love them more deeply and to see them as individual people with their own valid thoughts, feelings and dreams long before they officially become my equal on their 18th birthday. To this day, I don’t feel like I am my parent’s equal, and I’m 37 now. I have to remind myself that I don’t care whether or not they approve, that I am not defined by my failures which are just a demonstration of my inability to make wise choices, that I am a grown man with children of my own, damn it, and that I want a different relationship with those kids than I had and still have with my parents.
It isn’t because I was spanked that I have chosen to parent differently. It’s because spanking is a part of a whole system of relating that I have rejected, which I believe is based on fear and a desire to control. As much as there are times when I would love to control this one or other of my children, I am not interested in that kind of relationship with them. I am such a mess myself, how could I possibly know how better to live their lives than they do? I don’t spank my children because, as an expression of respect for them, I wish to show them that I want to journey and learn alongside them, acting as a guide when they need that, instead of pulling them along or physically forcing them in a specific direction.
~ Jeremy
We came to all these conclusions as well. For me a lot of deciding to spank was bible references, but when I studied them out in original language and context it wasn’t as I had thought!
Spanking was Much easier, but I realize now,I was Much more emotionally motivated than I thought, because now that I don’t spank I notice feeling more frustrated. I realize how the quick fix of spanking keeps so much growth from happening in me…heck most the behavior issues we deal with are stuff we as adults still haven’t mastered, let alone a child. Bad attitudes when hungry or tired or not getting our way and throwing fits.
Plus when I really thought about it, God my father never had dealt with me how I was dealing with my child. I always expect him to, but He doesn’t. I have realized I had a god that was more like zues, than a loving patient father. I wonder if it’s because I was spanked? But realizing that, has helped me in my relationship with…and discovering more accurately….who,He is!
But I have 2 things we are having a hard time with. One is smaller..trying to get him to stay in his bed so he naps, because we know he needs the sleep
2-the bigger one…he is almost 3, and is always hitting his little sister who is about 8 months. It makes me so upset because the protective instincts. It’s not always for attention because we will be playing and have our full attention on him and then he walks past her and hits her face. I am having a hard time knowing how to deal with this. It’s especially hard for my wife because she has to spend all day monitoring the baby and protecting her from getting bopped. Any suggestions or advices? Thanks
Jeremy,
When you stopped the spanking, did you notice a change in your daughter’s behaviour or demeanor toward you? I’ve decided that there is to be no more spanking in our house – we have an almost 3 year old son. It just seems pointless. As you mentioned in your post, at that age, they don’t understand that you actually are coming from a place of love. All they are left with is fear and confusion. So for the past week, ive used distraction and “cooling down” time (ie. time out) as a way to enforce boundaries, and i think im already seeing a difference. I used to smack my son either on the hand or on the bottom (he’s still in diapers), but i dont think it matters where you hit, in the sense that, it has the same effect on a child. I am scared though: scared that i will one day have a wayward child (because i didnt smack), and even more so, im scared that he’ll never forgive or forget that for the past year we have smacked. Hence my question as to whether you noticed any positive changes since you stopped smacking? I need reassurance that we haven’t done irreparable damage to our child’s psyche by smacking.
Hello Lucy,
Thank you for taking the time to share your story and your fears. Changing the way we parent is terrifying, especially when the outcome isn’t guaranteed. I would first point out that the conventional way of parenting doesn’t have a guaranteed outcome either. Some children who are spanked end up well adjusted as teenagers and adults, or at least they appear that way, while others end up full-out rebellious and a danger to themselves and others. The comfort that we feel with the conventional way of parenting comes from knowing that it’s the “right” way to do it, and everyone else is doing it too. You wouldn’t be bucking the conventional system if you weren’t already questioning the “rightness” of it, and the “guaranteed” outcome. You don’t spank anymore because you no longer believe that your child will benefit from it in the long term. So my first point isn’t one of comfort, necessarily, just pointing out that there are no guarantees, regardless of the approach that you choose. An article recently circulated that claimed that using physical forms of discipline with children actually kills brain cells; I believe it had the title “beating the grey matter out of your kids.” I wouldn’t use that article as the basis for a decision not to spank, but it does demonstrate that the “right” way has lost much of its credibility.
No parent knows how their children will turn out. None of us do. What I know to be true about all people, regardless of age, is that we all need respect and love. And I no longer believe that hitting children is the best way to guide them in that respect and love. They are highly intelligent human beings. They are capable of understanding disappointment and consequences without reinforcing these with a physical strike to their body. They are also, given the chance, capable of making wise decisions. The tool that we perhaps use the most with our children, of all ages, is offering them a choice. When they are very young, it is very simple: “Do you want to hold my hand as we cross the street, or mommy’s hand?” Giving them options to choose from gives them a sense of empowerment and teaches them that they are capable to making good choices for themselves. Isn’t that ultimately what we want for them as teenagers and adults?
But I realize that none of this actually answers your questions. Did we notice a change in our daughters’ behavior when we stopped spanking? of course! Any major change in any relationship will do that. We essentially informed out children that they were responsible for their own actions, that they were in charge. Our 4 yr old and our 6 yr old remind us of this often in the form of “You’re not in charge of me!” and our response is typically “yes, you are in charge of yourself” Depending on the situation, we have to remind them that though we are not in charge of them, we are in charge of the family, and that we can’t allow them to hurt their sister, or hurt the house, etc. and we will respect their boundaries as long as they also respect other’s boundaries. That kind of talk.
Positive changes? Yes. Absolutely. Our children are confident in making their own decisions, strong, very empathetic towards others, and very loving toward us. The message I used to believe is that I would have to put up with children, that they are a nuisance, and we would probably hate each other. Nothing could be further from the truth. And I believe that the decision not to spank anymore has also changed me: I love an respect my children so much more.
I hope this helps.
Jeremy
We just had a breakthrough this week, so I thought I would share. We tried food stuff and it didn’t help. He is obviously is better when he naps, but we can’t force him to fall asleep. I know he has been jealous sense the new baby arrived, but he gets plenty of attention. But I started thinking about right after the baby arrived I started doing insurance sales. It was super stressful because the money I was promised turned out to be bs. So he probably noticed a change in our demeanor. But also there were a few days at a time I might not see him, which I hated and had never done anything like that before but the drive was so far from our house I would get home late.
We know his love language is quality time, so I am sure his little 2-3 year old brain was trying to process it all and besides just being a 2-3 year old that probably added to things. And have noticed over the last few months that if I work a long day and don’t see him after the 2nd day he starts to act out really bad for mama. Also if I start early and don’t see him in the morning he is worse that day. So we knew there was a correlation on some level. May not be the only factor but definitely contributing.
So this week I was coming off a busy period (trying to get everything in order to quit my job and go on my own so I can slow my schedule down because I don’t want to miss any more of their childhood than I have to) and he was being really squirrely before bed and throwing a fit so I said Lay down buddy and I will tell you a story. So he did and I made one up on the fly…a pretty darn good one if I do say so myself. The next few days I was home over the weekend so I did stories for his naps and bedtime. And they went great!
Sense then I have been doing stories every night with him before bed. I am not reading I am telling stories that I just make up, which he likes much more than reading. It has really made bed time great, and his overall behavior has been great. Momma started doing the tactic for naptimes as well and things are doing so much better. This has connected with his quality time love language that playing with him and other things could not. It has been so fun for us also, and really aided in bonding.
I totally think the idea was a God send as a few nights before we had a melt down about how to deal with behavior and everything. The day after the meltdown I have a random email from the blog site with the previous persons post about their concerns…which were ours as well. The next day I attempt the story thing and it is working great. We are thankful for this. And as we have found very little good practical information out there I wanted to share, in hopes it may help anyone else. Every child is different, but it may help!
I’m so glad to read this. I was raised being spanked and never thought I would have a problem doing it. However. Every time I do spank my 2 year old, I feel awful. We both do. I don’t feel ok doing it and I don’t like the feeling that he is scared of me and my reactions. Today was the last day of spanking.
I also totally identify with the person that said they’re afraid they’ll have a brat, but I also am grateful for your response. I really want to guide my son and make him feel loved at all times, not fearful. Thanks for the post.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I am passing this on.
I was spanked and it only made me think my parents couldn’t stand me and that I had to hide everything from them in case it made them mad. Obviously, spanking wasn’t the only factor but it is really hard for some kids to understand a parent hitting them- on purpose. Thanks for the post.