With 9 people in our home (the ages 2, 4, 6, 11, 13, 13, 15, and 2 thirty-somethings), finding personal space physically and emotionally can be challenging. The early days of parenting taught us very quickly we needed to help respect the needs of everyone in the family for space and quiet. Remembering how my mother led a daily quiet time when I was growing up, we began our own version of quiet time in our daily rhythm. Fifteen years later there is still a daily quiet time in our home. It goes by different names depending on who we’re talking to or what’s been going on and is known as nap time, alone time, peaceful quiet time, oxygen mask, sanity saver time, and oh-my-gosh-make-it-stop time to name a few. It doesn’t always happen, sometimes schedules and activities thwart our plan but inevitably a skipped quiet time reminds us how important it is to make it happen. Nothing like trying to make and enjoy dinner with 3 young children and a mommy or daddy that haven’t had a quiet moment in their day to ensure that we preserve that rhythm as sacred the next. Missing quiet time can lead to an afternoon of whining, tears, complaining, irritability, and snappiness. And that’s just the adults.
Or, worse, a nap attack hits a little one much too close to bedtime and the night’s bedtime routine thrown under the bus.
Because our family spans a wide range of ages and mix of introverts and extrovert personality types, taking a daily quiet time not only helps us recharge, it improves our relationships. Nobody, not even the most extreme extroverts, can handle interacting with others constantly without a break with time to rest and think. It looks different for each of us according to our age, developmental stage, personality, and individual interests. For the under 3 crowd it is usually a nap time. The 3-5 stage struggle the most with being alone and may benefit from having a partner during their quiet time, a partner that can just sit near them but won’t engage in play can make the difference between in being really quiet rather than really frustrating. From 5 up they tend to be able to handle more independence and understand the goal of quiet time, even if it is just “so mommy isn’t a super grump later.” Our big kids love having the quiet time to read uninterrupted or work on creative projects. All we ask is that they find a spot to settle quietly for a while without distracting or interacting with others. For Jeremy and me, it usually involves a cup of coffee and a small piece of chocolate. A break in our day from each other is good for us all. Needing a break doesn’t mean we’re bad moms and dads, it just means we’re human ones.
Quiet time key points:
~ Make it a habit. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. It’s just a thing we do because we need it. Like brushing teeth or bathing.
~ Be flexible and creative. Whatever you call it, this reoccurring part of the day doesn’t have to happen exactly the same or be called the same thing each time. Have a time frame and loosely hold what it looks like and where it happens. Quiet time doesn’t have to be limited to a bed; our children love forts inside and out, the couch, under a table, at a desk, in a little nest, on an outdoor bench, and in little nooks they discover or create. Rearranging the living room is a small price to pay for a smooth quiet time in my book.
~ Communicate. Even with very young children, communicate what needs to happen. The time will be quiet, alone, and for a set period of time. For example: “you don’t have to sleep but you need to quietly stay in your designated space reading, coloring, or playing quietly with your Legos until the dog barks on my phone when our time is up.” If they don’t like the idea, mirror their feelings but firmly state that it is happening “you’re not tired and you don’t want to be quiet. We are doing quiet time right now, this is something I need too and I need you to respect this boundary.
~ Be realistic. Don’t expect a 4 year old to quietly play alone for an hour and don’t expect complete silence. Know what is developmentally appropriate for your child and take into consideration their personality. Your help may be required for your child to settle into a quiet time rhythm and it may change over time.
~ Consistency and routine. It doesn’t need to be rigid but a regular time of day for quiet time to happen helps with the flow of the day along with a simple routine to help transition. For us it is shortly after lunch, we clean up, play a bit, then get set up for quiet time. A bit of reading with the younger ones (including our 6 year old reading to us), some snuggles, and then start quiet time. Though I sometimes forget, setting the alarm on my phone for when quiet time is over generally helps keep the “is quiet time done yet” questions at bay.
~ Avoid screens. I’ve been tempted to take the easy way out and put a movie on and call it quiet time but whenever I try that it backfires. For good reason too, time alone playing, reading, coloring, or sleeping allow the brain to rest with limited stimulation. Screens are all about stimulation with frequent scene changes. Sleep experts recommend not watching tv or movies too close to bed time because it is too stimulating and can result in disrupted sleep patterns. Even if you’re not going for naps, quiet time is more effective without screens.
~ You need it too. It may be tempting to use the time to clean or get some work done around the house but you need a quiet time too. Nap, if you can, read a book, craft, write a blog post, drink some coffee, take a bath, or whatever helps you find some solace and rest to recharge. We find this particularly important for the parent that is staying home. When I have done housework during quiet time my children always end up disrupted by the noise I make with dishes anyway and I still end up feeling like a need a break. There’s no better way to teach than to model, lead the way for your children by respecting quiet time for yourself. Sometimes we all take quiet time in the same room even, just respecting our space while quietly reading, coloring, knitting, playing, etc.
~ Not too long, not too short. Our quiet times are a minimum of 45 minutes, max of 90. It’s not the same for everyone either. Unless she falls asleep, 90 minutes would be pure torture for the 4 year old but the toddler often needs that long for a nap and some of the older kids love a large chunk of free quiet time. We try to follow their cues as to what they need.
~ Activity. Follow up quiet time with some active engagement. A snack and dance party, a walk, time at the park, gardening, or other physical and inter relational activity will help transition into being together again.
~ No power struggle. You want them to quiet or even sleep. They don’t want to do either. If you let it become a power struggle then you’re going to feel even more tired and they’re going to at least delay what you want to have happen if not get what they want. Power struggles damage our relationships, be it with our children, our partner, or anyone else. Respecting our children’s autonomy while being firm has helped us avoid most power struggles. Calmly mirroring their feelings “you don’t want a quiet time right now” while establishing the boundaries gently “we are having quiet time today, let’s take about 10 more minutes before it starts and I can help you figure out how you’d like to spend your alone time today” can help them feel heard while enforcing what needs to happen. Eventually they may even start looking forward to it, our 4 and 6 year old enjoy finger knitting during quiet time and will sometimes tell me earlier in the day that’s what they’ll be doing for quiet time that day. More on avoiding power struggles with your child here.
~ Don’t give up. Sometimes quiet time fails and isn’t what I feel we need or what I expected. Still, even the effort seems to help remind us all that we are individuals and find our space within our community. And we try again tomorrow.
No matter what our age, finding time and space to rest and be alone goes a long way in fostering focus, replenishing our energy stores, and strengthening our relationships. I have found that learning how to be comfortable on our own even for short periods of time, encourages confidence, creativity, and empathy. Many cultures observed an afternoon siesta for these reasons with productivity and focus sharpened after such a break. Taking space from the people we love on a regular basis isn’t a bad thing, it can actually mean the difference between crazy grumpy parent/child and recharged chill parent/child.
~Jessica