Flexibility may be one of the most important qualities for a parent to learn.
Flexibility with when they get to places, for instance.
Last weekend gave me the perfect opportunity to work on this skill with my children. I recently wrote about going to a birthday party with SquiggleBug (7) and Smunchie (5) and how one dad’s advice to his son gave me hope for humanity.
On the way to this birthday party, I discovered that SquiggleBug really didn’t want her little sister to tag along. In all fairness, is was her classmate that was having the birthday party. In my defense, I was trying to simplify things at home by taking along a very jealous 5 yr old, and the invitation did mention that siblings were welcome.
But I failed to ask the birthday girl’s friend, SquiggleBug. Big mistake.
Upon hearing that she didn’t want Smunchie to tag along, I was immediately aware that I had to be very careful in how I responded or I risked hurting not just one girl’s feelings, but two!
First I checked to make sure I heard correctly. Then I resisted the urge to defend Smunchie’s right to attend the party, and chose flexibility instead of rigidity.
By the way, flexibility works best when paired with a healthy amount of creativity. And patience.
So I took a risk and asked Smunchie: “What if, after we get to the birthday party, you and I go find a special place for a Daddy date? We could get a treat together, and hang out just you and me. What do you think?” This meant that I had to be willing to sacrifice the hour or more that I had hoped to spend on my own at a coffeeshop after dropping them off at the party.
She considered it for a quick moment, and responded with an enthusiastic “Ok Daddy!” after confirming that a sweet treat would be a part of the prized one-on-one time with me.
With a sigh of relief, I drove the rest of the way to the party, saw them to the backyard of the house where the festivities were to take place, and did my best to engage with perfect strangers for what I felt was an appropriate amount of time before bowing out. I’m naturally rather shy, so this took a bit of effort on my part.
In those 20 minutes, both of my children mingled with the others, and a bounce house (also known as the official sponsor of every “Most Awesome Party!” – ever) was brought in and set up. I called SquiggleBug over first: “Before I head out, I wanted to check with you: do you still want Smunchie to leave the party with me?”
She quickly thought about it, and declared with a flash of a smile: “No, she’s fine! She can stay if she wants to!” And she bounced away.
So I called Smunchie over. “SquiggleBug just said that you could stay for the party if you want to. Would you like to stay or would you still like to go on a Daddy date with me?”
“I want to stay!” And she bounced away.
With the opportunity for flexibility successfully handled (Twice!) I excused myself from the party, the hostess wishing me an enjoyable time without kids, and I left. And I did have a most enjoyable time without kids. 🙂 That being said, I would have had a wonderful time with my 5 yr old, if the Daddy date had worked out. Also, I listened to a podcast about the clitoris and learned a few things… But that’s for a different post.
I proved myself to be a most responsible parent when I returned at the planned ending time for the party, only to find it in full swing. I failed to realize that this family, who had spent the last 8 years in Mexico before moving to Portland, would be more event oriented than time oriented, meaning: the party would go on until the party was over; the times were just a formality.
I was now faced with my third opportunity to demonstrate flexibility. But this time, the challenge wasn’t so much to be flexible with my kids, but to be flexible with my own wants and natural desires, namely, my desire to stay away from awkward interactions with people I don’t know and just go home – not that my children weren’t begging me to stay; they totally were.
So I decided to take a deep breath, face my introverted fears, and stick around.
For another hour and a half or so.
I got to know the birthday girl’s mom and dad a bit more, and they got to know me a bit more, and it was good. Parties aren’t so bad when I can have one on one conversations with people; it’s a basic principle of every Survival Guide for Introverts 101 course.
In other words, I had a good time.
And all because I was willing and able to be flexible.
We parents don’t always have the luxury to have that level of flexibility, but we are often faced with the simple choice between what we had planned or imagined in our heads, and what reality presents to us through our children.
Will you take the time to help your child put on their socks and shoes even though they’re capable of doing so themselves, just because the thought of it is freaking them out?
Will you take the time to allow your child to put on their own socks and shoes because they really really really really really really want to? The value of an entire day will hang in this choice…
Will you drop everything to put that frilly dress on your kid and pump some fancy tunes on the stereo so she can dance her heart away, in the middle of making breakfast?
Would you cuddle your frightened child even though there really isn’t a monster in their closet?
Flexibility. The opportunity presents itself every single day. None of us can even imagine the opportunities we lose by choosing to not be flexible. Not until we choose it, look back, and revel at how much more rich, colorful, and meaningful our lives are because we did.
~ Jeremy